2003-09-01 18:28:11 (UTC)

more sexes

last night was bruce... i felt much more sane afterwards
even tho lisa my nothers slutwhore friend was there. she
took me in bewteen cars in the parking lot at some point
and offered me all sorts of drugs... but anyway, i always
feel more connected to the earth and other people and love
life after bruce.... and he played jersey girl , last song,
which i was praying and praying for, i turned to andrew in
the middle of the song and said "i can die now!"
supposedly at the end of september/early october he is
coming back to play some shows at shea stadium, which will
be crazy.... haha steinbrenner turned him down, cause he
wanted to play at yankee stadium but "no way during the
post season....." the mets dont have to worry about the

i ended up meeting mike rita and kevin afterwards... went
to the beer gardens, then mcanns,,, got sloshed...
kevin slept over and we ended up having a long conversation
about relationships and men and women.
we were some of the last ones at the bar... and i was
watching all of them.. and never really saw before, girls
acting like such horrible sluts and men acting like
horrible pigs. i was shocked really... 4am drunk people...
it made me never want to go to a bar again, being
associated with people like this...
mike was telling me, its the alcohol, sara, people dont
really act like this when they are sober...
there was this kid outside the bar... my brother knows
him... he got all drunk and was starting fights with
everyone in his path... girls, guys, his friend had to
hold him in a bear hug and shove him in a cab.... its just
the alcohol that does this...
i was thinking, its losers who drink, go to bars... im a
loser, and i smoke, killing myself slowly. maybe if i led a
normal life, did normal things during the day and went to
sleep at night, i dont know.... life would be healthier..
maybe then id meet healthy guys ... not crazy losers...

anyway talking to kevin made me feel a little better...
although we came to the conclusion that 95% of people are
totally fucked up... and he is one of them.. he has always
regularly cheated on his girlfriends... he says its cause
he gets drunk, he gets horny, he gets a little sad, if a
girl pays attention to him, it feels good, in that
moment... makes him feel better about himself...
that makes sense i guess... if you like yourself, are
happy , are in a good relationship, you are less likely to
cheat, and this is another argument for my be happy with
yourself first theory....
although i know some guys that are totally miserable but
say they never have and never would cheat on their
girlfriends/wives.... but what kind of relationship is that?
where one person is unhappy, but does love you? how can you
be happy when you know the other isnt?
i dont know, i dont want to end up in relationship like the
kinds i seee all around me.
these days i dont get it. why men and women? why do they
want eachother? it sometimes seems so weird, so
unnatural... maybe i really am a lesbian deep dpwn
inside... maybe you need guys to fuck you over to show you
how men really are...
i dont even know what im talking about...
i feel better tho...
my phone sex man from LA called me yesterday.. i told him
about my fall theories, why i felt to weird... and it came
out very fluent, i said there was something about the air
that makes it easier to remember past falls... like that
feeling in dreams, where you remember that you had the
dream before, but you can only remember within the dream...
like that, only fall... and that makes it easier to be
nostalgic... which makes it easier to be melancholic...
the manic depression i cant explain, def yesterday i was
mood swinging like in yesteryears... that was no good... it
was a little scary actually... i dont want to feel that

im listening to bruce now... that secret garden song... i
like the way he sings about women... that they are these
mysterious, unattainable creatues.. elusive... i like when
i hear guys talking about women non-sexually... they all
say women are the better sex, the nurturing, keeping things
together, "i love women"
chris told me i was like a xanex... that i calm him down, i
make him slow down, feel comfortable, relaxed, i loved
having that effect on him, on someone so hyper, nervous.he
used to say, he only felt comfortable in his own skin when
he was with me...
kevin last night was telling me too... when a guy comes to
a point in his life.. when he doesnt want to screw around
anymore... he realizes the ways in which a woman can be
good for him, he lets her influence and effect him... which
in another diary entry i said, makes them resent the woman
most of the time... men dont like being soft... kevin said
this often happens later in life, after the sexual peak...
which i said sucks for me cause i need to get banged on a
more than daily basis... but i also need that respect, i
need the faith, i want it all, and i cant settle for
anything less, i just cant...
kevin said most girls arent like you... they dont have sex
drives comprable to that of men... thats why guys cheat...
which makes no sense in my case... i gave chris cockburn
with my insatiability...

anyway enough of this...
anyway enough of this...