2003-09-01 08:38:15 (UTC)


1:19 am
restate my situation

mental defect: guilty conscious. unable to shake the
feeling. anything that could possibly cause guilt will
cause guilt. most critical when with people, especially
strangers and large crowds.

cause: hard to say, apparent since first memories. either
chemical imbalance at birth, or mild infanthood trauma:
brother framed me of biting him, got spanked. may have had
long term effects on my psyche.

part-time solution: repression of memories. quick sudden
convulsions of the head. rare cases of mild self-
mutilation. very reluctant to take medication. absolute
refusal of shock therapy.

schizophrenic tendancies: japanese animation causes panic
attacks. drug-like addiction to anime. few schizotypal
attributes and beliefs.

status: rejection of mainstream ideas and customs.
nonconformist attitude to wean into style of rejection and
hopefully overcome guilt complex. political view: green,
libertarian, anti-capitalist. religion: christian quaker.
popularity: low. speech impetiment: moderate to high.
suicidal tendancies: low. physical health: average.
paranoia: moderate. opiates: anime, music, karate,
occasional religion and political protest and subversion.
hates: phonies, ignorance, bigotry, myself, emphasis of
physical appearances, status quo, mainstream american
culture. dreams: revolutionary director of political
film/series, find mercury (perfect mate, hopeful savior of
guilt complex, could be metaphor of christ or other

no long term solutions visible. still reluctant to share
this information with friends/family. still crippled.