This is the beloved air I breathe
2003-09-01 05:27:53 (UTC)

questions without obvious answers

I wrote an away message today on my away message for AOL
instant messenger that
describes how I feel perfectly "why am i so damn
Why do I think so much?
Why do I analyse everything?
Why can't I just let life happen to me and enjoy it?
because apparently I'm a massachist....that's what my
exboyfriend calls that questioning intellecutal side of i really out to torture myself or am I just out to
figure out this life that I have to live with?"
That's it right there. Those are the questions that I
have for myself. some say that I torture myself (hence
the massichsm sp..) is it really torutre if I want to
analyse my motives for things, and try to think through
the outcome before it gets there? I mean, for instance,
if I'm interested in a guy, is it really all that bad to
be thinking about things like what his financial situation
is, and what his goals are for the future and what he
plans on doing with his life? But then the question
becomes, what happens when I find the guy who wants all
the right things, and comes from money, who has high goals
and wants to achieve them, but he doesn't have the same
philosophy about life that I do - he doesn't have the same
passions that I do, and maybe it just doesn't work out
between us. What happens when i find someone who I seem
to jive with personality wise and who really seems to be
sharing and understanding this faith journey that I'm
embarking on, and maybe even wants to take it with me -
someone who has some substance and is a genuinely nice
guy, but who has abovious human
Hmm...maybe I'm not making sense. The guy that I was
dating and I broke up. There is a new guy. The guy that
Iw as dating looked to good to be true, and guess what?
He was. This guy that I met is a normal guy - he has
strenths and weaknesses he has flaws and realness just
like I do. What i want most is to be real with someone,
and for someone to be real with me. You know what I do
though? I Find the people who have a problem with being
real, so that I can teach them and so that maybe I can
have the upper hand in that department. What happens when
I can find my match at that? What happens when it comes
in a package that I may not have expected it to come in.
You know how they say that it always ends up different
than you expect it to be? You know what my biggest fear
is? Breaking this guys heart. I'm not worried about
myself, I can protect that, but I can't protect the other
person all the time.

you know, the line that may as well be my catchprase for
this season of my life is "there are just a whole lot of I
don't knows".