Leah

Ramblings Of A Confused Mind
2003-09-01 05:11:06 (UTC)

Eh, I think, and then I think...

Alone thy must be. Been put in too much grief.
Disapointed in everyone. The way they treat people. Their
cruelty will be their undoing. Can't wait to get away. Soon
enough my feelings will be confined to show the cold side
of what is left of my soul. I don't even have one. More
problems to come. Can't stand this no more. I can't even
rely on the person that I'm suppose to trust the most. I'm
better off alone. Dreaming away my life listening to songs
that are so sad they express the true essence of what I
feel inside. Wish I could go back to change things around
but that will never happen. All I can dream for that's my
only closure in life. Even for a little bit I pretend it's
true. I feel content even for a few short hours. My lips
will curl into a smile. That is the only time when I'm
happy. The rest of the time I spend my life suffering and
running away. I can't go on. This has to end..
For the first time, in a long time... Im about to
lay the truth out. Its not going to be pretty, but of
course it never really is. Im tired of the gray.. i want
either a black or white distinction. Its not going to be
easy and it may hurt some of the readers even myself.. but
Ive lied long enough. I know the difficult things that a
person goes through is supposed to make them stronger but I
get weaker. Things get more difficult. And i continue to
suffer.I just want this all to end. I haven't been happy
since I left my vacation. I havent had a reason to wake up
in the morning. I won't get over the fact that I miss my
exboyfriend so much. There's nuffin' I can do about
it.Everynight before I go to sleep, I listen to music. I
lay in bed and for about an hour I think about the past,
the present, and the future. I think of how my life could
be better and how it could be worse.

But-- since Im being honest I can tell you that it
cant get any worse. Kyle Calkins-- I didnt want you to like
me. I purposely put up that shield so youd think I was some
quiet lil gurl that thought nothing for herself. Cheaha was
fun-- but I wished I was there with DREW.Im sorry Katrina--
I told you I didnt think about Drew for that whole day, I
lied I was jumping off that cliff thinking damn baby damn I
wish Drew was at the bottom to catch me. Crazy? No because
I love him. No matter the negative things going on I LOVE
HIM. I had to let him go tho-- because he was to damn
grand.. it was to perfect and I believed that I didnt
deserve something so great.I mean its obvious-- when
problems start to surface I push myself away from my
friends that I need most the ones that have been there for
me always.. I sleep endless hours during the day and take
sleeping pills to sleep at night just so I wont have to
face any of the world.. bc man-- I jus keep thinking about
how Id give anything to ELOPE from it. I mean its c-r-a-z-y
that problems seem to keep knocking at my door. Just when I
figure hes completely out of my life he calls, or sends a
stupid text. 1:40 in the morning the day before mine and
Joe's date, whyd you hafta call drew? Why did he hafta tell
me that he was going to be there March 30 ( our deal ) but
that he didnt know what he was going to say? Why cant WHY o
WHY cant he just say fuck you? He said he couldnt, but I
think he can.. Hes let me go on this long with my hollow
broken heart.. I ceritanly dont expect it to be pieced back
together by ONE night. I dont understand why I have to be
truthful to people that havent even really been in my life
for a long time. But I'll do it b/c of simple reasons:

Thursday Aug 28,2003

today i woke up at 1030 and got ready fro school...then ate
lunch then my first and only class of the day was Intro to
Theatre.. and it was ok...and i didnt know anyone in my
class cuz its a freshman class. then after class i went
home and played ps2...then at 640 i left and bought a rose
from winn dixie...then met up with Leah in alexandria for
our first major date...2nd date in all. She looked real
pretty ..and she got in my car ...and we went to Ocharleys
for dinner...and it was good and we talked ...then we went
to the mall ... and played in kb toys...but mall was
closing so we left and went to Oxford Lake...and we walked
around and sat down and talked and stuff..then we went to
the movies and saw freddy vs jason..which was a lil
scary ..and we held hands...sweet stuff...then after the
movie i took her home...
it was a really sweet first date...1 of the best first
dates ive ever been on. The date went really good except we
didnt kiss. were both too shy...but i rarely kiss girls on
firstdate if i like em :)

today was a 9...sweet date.

Lemme tell you something, it was a sweet date. He had
me with the rose, he had me with the pic, and he had me
with that smile.. but mine--was of course disconnected. I
told Katrina once again that I didnt think about Drew, Im
sorry dear .. Im lying to you because I have been lying to
myself until this morning.I planned on telling her when she
called, but I couldnt, I couldnt choke out those crazy
words. O'charleys.. Prom night remember? I know the damn
chair he was sitting at how he sat across the table from me
and the way he looked at me. Me and Joe sat sorta to the
side of that table. I think I looked at it at LEAST 100
times throughout sitting there, but I couldnt tell Joe what
I was thinking. At first, I didnt know if Joe witheld a 9
in his journal entries, but of course I went back and
looked. Theres one, that I noticed, I stopped looking after
I found one.I dont have intentions of hurting anyone so
lets get that straight. Ive hurt the only person I ever
truly loved and now I just want to be plain blunt about the
matter. Everywhere I turn I see Drew, and I see his face.
His pictures are still up in my room and I dont plan on
ever taking them down. I still cry myself to sleep at
night. I still wait for his phone call, and when it finally
come I have to be even more honest I wanted to cancel that
date with Joe and cancel everything else. B/c I mean, I
havent dated anyone since Drew.. and I didnt plan on doing
so. I had a really great time, and Joe's this amazing guy.
But I dont know where to put it at. I dont know how to
place Joe somewhere that Drew is.Drews got this huge part
of my heart that no one else has ever been able to get too.
He knows EVERYTHING. He knows about Victoria, and Emily,
and he knows about fights with Katrina, and my Mom, and
always came and got me when things got to crazy here. He
held me a way no one else ever will be able to and I think
hes fucking crazy for what hes doing to me.With Joe, theres
Ashley. And I know he says three years, and all that. And I
like how he answered the survey.. and I like his long
emails. But they arent emails like Drews. I get nervous b4
going out with Joseph yes. Did I get nervous before going
out with Drew? Yes. But not the same thing. With Joseph I
wonder if I smell like smoke bc he hates that. With Drew, I
jus went. I could look like the shittest person on the face
of the world and he always smiled. Always, always, told me
life was going to get better. It did, until it got worse. I
try to act like Im not an emotional person. I try to act
like things dont bother me as bad as they do. But Im tired
of holding in tears in front of people. Im tired of all you
thinking Im something Im not. Im not strong. And I hate
hurting people. I hate seeing happy couples. I hate
rainbows nowadayz. But I still want that shooting star
tattoo. I havent visited the dam since I lost my life. I
havent been able to eat like I usta. I dont hold phone
converstaions very long. Other stuff, but Id rather just
leave it at the simple fact that NOTHING is changing except
for the worse.
I dont want to ignore Joe and act like his feelings
arent real. But u know, hes not Drew. Even if he is great.
I cant write poems about him. And I cant be me with him.
And I doubt I ever can. I like him as a friend. But theres
a reason we didnt kiss. Maybe I was to shy-- or maybe I
just couldnt handle feeling the lips of someone else
besides Drew's. Because Im sober now, and IVe been sober.
And Im alive. And its not beautiful. I think I'll try to
drink and forget again. Cuz Drew came into my life when it
was awful,maybe jus maybe hopefully god I hope he'll come
back one day. Im sorry Joseph. U deserve better.




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