psychomagnet

brilliance will fade away from you

and you will settle in dimmed light.

how the fuck. did i get to this point. where everyone
tells me what to do. where im not even allowed to make one
fucking decision on my own.

first they gang up on me and make fun of me and dont let me
get my sugar glider. i dont fucking CARE if you think its
ugly. i dont CARE if you dont like it. you know. his
favorite color doesnt have to be purple and he doesnt have
to like Ani or Rent, just lleave ME the fuck alone about
it. not many things make me happy why cant i at least have
them to myself? but no. they make fun of me and its not
my money and so i had to say whatever and then they
patronize me and make fun of me some more.

then on the way home they talk about how stupid i am for
going to tampa, like i wasnt even there. then we get home
and he's a brat about it. we have to have this big
conversation. "I cant believe you're doing this on
SATURDAY night on our night" and i said fine you spoiled
brat, lets do something and i'll go after you get tired
since youre a fucking grumpy little old man who goes to bed
at like 12. so we paint for an hour. then i say. i
should really get going. im already packed im already
dressed i already told ashleigh im on the way. then all of
a sudden its. "I know youre not going to see Ashleigh.
Who are you going to see" oh jesus. then its this huge
fucking deal. he says he wont leave. so i cant.

then my mom comes in and they start talking again in that
I'M RIGHT HERE SHUT UP way. and im like fuck this, im just
going. and my mom starts "is she giving you gas money? is
she going to pay for your car when it gets fucked up from
driving up and down the road?" and im like you know what.
this is MY thing cant everyone leave me alone. and no. he
starts yelling at me again "fine just go just go fuck
whoever youre going to see" and i go out to smoke and shes
all "*I* think you're being a real bitch. he's just
looking out for you. he's right. it breaks my heart that
you're such a bitch to him. you sounded just like me and
your dad" so i called ashleigh and i told her i couldnt
go. which im sure yknow whatever no one is ever surprised
when i do something fucked up anyway so even though this
was entirely out of my control and i fought as hard as i
could right now it was probably just "oh yeah not
surprised, adriennes such a bitch" fucking. whatever. and
then i came in here and fell asleep until he woke me up and
i took him home.

then this morning. i go online and i see my away message
from last night about being on my way to tampa. and it
pissed me off again. i go out to smoke and my moms like "I
know what'll make you happy!! Let's go get one of your
kittens."
And I'm like What the FUCK how could you fucking bring that
shit up? One of my baby kittens who I fucking loved so
much and you made me LEAVE in motherfucking Gainesville and
now they dont even know me?? how the FUCK could she even
bring that up? of course i cant go get one. and it made
it 10 times worse to fucking bring it up. what the fuck.

I'm like. UGH. fuck it. I'm going to do a lot of
cleaning. And maybe I'll just go tonight. I'll say I'm
going to get fucking coffee. If people cant give me my
space and let me make my own choices then fuck em.