2003-08-31 04:32:59 (UTC)

spontaneous lists

This is what I wrote in the few mintutes before cultural
anthropology class began, and as you already know me well
I'm sure none of it will come as a shock. This is not an
at poetry; it's just a list. 8*26*03-

I'm living on pasteries and coffee
(an obscene amount of coffee)
I'm listening to Billy Idol-
Hey little sister, what have you done?
I'm isolating myself
I'm playing the cold anti-social
condescending hostile loner and then just
feeling sad and lonesome.
I'm telling you my secrets.
I'm sleeping on a bare mattress
on the floor
I'm excessively washing my hair to get
the black dye out
I'm annoyed with myself for the nonsense
that occupies my mind
I'm fantasizing about strangers,
because I can invent them
out of the void
I'm missing others who don't miss me
I'm wearing make-up
I'm looking at Mars closer than it will
be for another 60,000 years, shining red
and beautiful in the sky
I'm blinking
I'm daydreaming
and struggling to daydream again.

What I wrote in my school notebook a little while ago,
altered slightly, but not censored, so read at your own

Something happens. I become a little girl. I become so
innocent, trusting, loving, receptive in the most femenine
I hate him. I hate his suggestively moving to a position
where his cock is staring me in the eye, expectantly,
almost commandingly.
And then I partly want to be forced. I want to be
dominated. I want no responsibility for myself and my
actions. I want to be free of this self-imprisonment and
instead be posessed by another.
It's an ancient scenario- positive and negative, active and
receptive, masculine and femenine energy forces interacting
in such a way.
"I'm going to remain a virgin, you know."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I don't
care about getting laid. I just want you to be here". (Of
course, he only claimed this to increase his chances
of "getting laid"...I'm not so naive as I once was.)
Another List-
Alcohol and Time loss
Sounds out of the darkness
the sunrise over grape vines
I tell him to drive me home at 6am
we keep driving past my home, onward toward the city
breakfast in the Lighthouse Cafe in Sausalito
I have a greater appetite than he does
San Francisco
and silence between us