Sara9870

Sara
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2003-08-30 08:40:28 (UTC)

fall

forcast says rain for the next 5 days, in the 70's.

fall has always been my favorite season.i like the
temperature, i like wearing sweatshirts and jean jackets. i
like the cool, crisp air that is so easy to breathe. of
course, the colors. the colors of the leaves, of the sky.
there is a solitude in the fall air, that is more
pronounced than winter. becuase it comes right from warmth,
right from summer, summer which is supposedly the freest of
seasons.

i am scared, so scared of this fall, of these coming weeks.
i felt the fall in the air while it was still hot and
humid. its coming, soon....
this is the first fall i wont be in school
fall is the time when my manic depression used to kick into
gear. i used to dread fall , i knew , knew what was
coming.... thats all subsided now... but the fear
remains...

last fall was chris. right around this time we went on our
first date. we took the train to the city and went for
dinner, a place called jules. we had good food, good beer,
good port wine with dessert. good conversation. and he
looked at me that night, where i knew he liked me. i knew
he wanted to kiss me. the look on his face was all-
apparent. later on that night, he gently pushed my hair
away from my neck, and kissed it, leaving his lips there,
and i was a little drunk, and i closed my eyes and
thought 'how perfect, he is doing just what i need him to
do. he is relaxing me before he goes in for the first
kiss. then he kissed me and said "ive been wanting to do
that all night." then we kissed a little more, and i got a
little shy, and he said "is that it?" he doesnt remember
saying that. weeks later, when i recounted this story to
him, he said , "and you didnt smack me in the face? i said
that? im sorry, sara."
im sorry, sara.... ive heard it so many times...
i had a good fall with him, last year. sometimes when i
feel that chill in the air, for a split second, no matter
where i am, i only want to be in his bed, in his arms, with
the window open, smelling his smell, feeling his body
warmth, listening to his voice, his laughs, that feeling of
home,
my god, how good it could have been ,had i ever got all of
him.

last fall, was chris
the fall before, was italy
2 falls i would be more than happy to live again, rather
than see what this fall has in store
i dont mean that
but school has always offereed a sort of structure, even
tho i made much of my own structure in college, now i will
have to do it all. the writing, the reading the trying to
get published... fulfillment of dreams.

im scared, of how i will do , how i will fair, at becoming
myself.


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