Timothy

Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2003-08-30 08:05:44 (UTC)

all i want to do is sleep


i sit here, combing through pages,
wondering when it will be my turn.

i found one, lost it, i wasn't ready
found another, dropped her, she
wasn't ready, and so on, and so
on, the pattern seems to relegate
itself to the same thing...

i don't necessarilly want anyone
need anyone, although i do desire
someone who can lighten my
spirits, can understand me for me.

i met one who could, but, it was
not to be, i met who i thought was,
but she was a ghost, and i but a
queens fool...

the car works, still, it's been what
3 weeks now? i'm amazed, i've
never had one last this long...

i am, once again, unemployed,
it sucks, alot... i find myself in a
different place than i was oh so
long ago...

i wasn't ready, and i don't know
if i ever will be..

reality, is not what i've made of
myself...

only a month left of my exile, only
2 1/2 more than that, and i can go
anywhere the winds choose to
drop me in...

but i wonder what i will do then..

i have these urges, these desires
and nothing seems to quench them
so much as the lure of darkness..

to thine own self be true???

what a joke... when i cannot tell
anyone who I really am, what i am

no one understands, and i have no
justification for it, nor do i find i need
one...

everyone thinks i am this enigma
i am this horrible person, i am not
i wasn't born this way, my mother
did not make me do anything i am

i am who i've made myself..

and i enjoy it..

i hate violence of any kind, and i've
stayed true to my own philosophy
of that.. i will never raise my hand
in violence to another human being
and i never have...

oh, i've come close to it... last year
with kris, i held on to tight, but then
i was holding on for dear life, i was
holding on to the last vestiges of what
i thought was real...

oh, what a fool i am...

to think, and as he said it, perchance
to dream... bah, foolish thinking on
my part... really...

i look to the darkening roads, for my
own salvation. for the light at the end
of the tunnel, so to speak..

save that i wish the light of the moon
and not that of gods or goodness, or
of anything to ephemeral as that...

when all comes down to, i am the
product of my own being, i created
myself, i nutiured the masks, i desired
the thrill, the chase, the wonder..

i am nigh, and i am spectacular

i created an illusion, and have lived it
for years, and continue to live the lie...

most people are content to live thier
lives, and to endure the lies they create
for themselves...

am i so, blinded by morality, that i too
seek to abide that strange and boring
life i've fought hard to maintain the silly
fascade of normalacy...

i am a thing of beauty, dark, rough

you are so beautiful to me, my bliss

too bad, you are a corrupted rose, from
which the blood of love no longer pumps
nor courses through these veins of mine...

on a horse do i ride

i am darkness

i am death

~timothy