psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2003-08-30 00:28:04 (UTC)

now that shes back in the atmosphere,

drops of jupiter in her hair
she acts like summer and walks like rain
reminds me that theres time to change


im not happy.

i dont know what else to say about it.

except that it seems i will continue to be his little whore
while i cry myself to sleep every night and cut myself up
until i look how i feel on the inside and i cant cover that
up all the time i couldnt even fucking make it home last
night and i hate fucking crying in front of people and what
is happening to me that i cant even pretend anymore and i
cant think about it, everything ive ever fucked up because
he was in my life the friends ive lost and people who
actually did love me and wouldnt let me feel like this and
now im alone with him and this fucked up version of myself
that he has completely stripped of all my dignity and all
my strength and i am so empty and i am wasting my life so
maybe i will make it to 20 like i never wanted but i know i
wont live past 40 and so i'm halfway through my life and
what do i have to show for it besides a bunch of stupid
mistakes and memories that only show me what an ass ive
been I DREAMT OF A FEVER, ONE THAT WOULD CURE ME OF THIS
COLD WINTER SAD HEART..

what am i fucking doing? I LEFT THIS SHIT BEHIND ME AND I
MOVED ALL MY SHIT AND MYSELF AWAY FROM IT AND I SLEPT WITH
ALLISON EVERY NIGHT SO THAT I WOULDNT FUCKING CALL HIM AND
I TOLD HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM ME AND FUCKING HERE I AM, BACK
IN HELL AND CONFUSION IM UNDOUBTEDLY THE MOST FUCKED UP
PERSON IVE EVER KNOWN AND I WANT MY KITTY AND SHES GONE AND
I WANT TO GO OVER THERE AND I CANT AND I WANT TO SLIT MY
FUCKING WRISTS OPEN AND FEEL THE BLOOD AND LIFE DRAIN OUT
OF ME SO THAT I DONT HAVE TO CONTINUE THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE
OF A LIFE