Wildthing1983

Me and More
Ad 2:
2003-08-29 09:45:41 (UTC)

..... :-( ........

Dear Diary,


I feel so lost. So alone. I'm so incredibly depressed. So
many things going on inside my head right now. All I'm
doing is crying and sleeping. I'm struggling with the
thought of killing myself. It's so hard just to sit there
and not doing anything. I'm getting so tired of this pain I
hold inside my heart. I'm tired of making people mad or
fucking up. I'm just tired of everything.

I love Brandon so much, yet I feel like he's slipping away
from me. I know he just broke up with his girlfriend and
all, but just a feeling a have that I'm going to lose him.
That I'll never have a chance to make him happy, to show
him how much I love him. I can't bear losing another love.
I've already lost 2 in a relatively short time. I don't
want to go through that again. I just don't know what to do.

I need to be with him so much, I need him in my life. Sure,
I'll be happy just being friends, but it's going to hurt so
much. He once told me that he'd give me a chance, and I
pray everyday and night that comes true. I have so much to
show him, so much love to give him. I know I can make him
happy. I don't know if he is scared of losing me or the
friendship ending or what. All I know is that I love him
and I have a feeling that he likes me more than he lets on.

I just can't bear it if I lose him forever. He keeps
talking about leaving Lewisville, and I know that it will
end our friendship. It's happened in the past, and as they
say "history repeats itself." Ugh! I just want to curl up
and die. Things are not going well in my life at all. My
sister has changed so much, and to be honest I don't like
the person she is changing into. My family is falling
apart. I can't take all this shit.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with everyone. I don't
want to piss people off, upset them or anything. I just
don't know what to do. This are in disarray right now. My
life is falling to pieces. I just want to give up. I'm at
the point in my depression, were I am craving weed, drugs
or anything that can either put me to sleep for a long
while, or just end this miserable life of mine. I feel like
I have nothing to hold onto anymore. Nothing.

I find myself questioning everything. Feeling like everyone
is out to hurt me. I don't want to be hurt again. I am
barely hanging on here. Barely. I just for once would like
things to go my way so I can have happiness, not sadness
*sighs* But, I have a feeling I'm a doomed to a life of
sadness. Being alone seems to be the only thing I'm good
at. Maybe I should just do it and get it done with. I
dunno. I just give up.

-Heather


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