psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2003-08-29 07:27:19 (UTC)

god damn fucking big ass

god damn.

i have a real problem yknow. like why did i even go? i
could have turned around and come home. like i was
literally shaking. claudia felt me. i was like feel me im
shaking.

i really want to run away and start over because this is a
real problem. as long as he's in my life i'll never let
anything work. and everythings fucked up now and way too
far gone for me to even be thinking about it.

but to see her with that fucking piece of TRASH whore.

and to know that she was in love with me. and she doesnt
love her.

you know.

i just could kill myself for sucking so much.

and for GOING.

i need to run away and never talk to anyone again and start
over because this isnt working. nothing is fucking
working. and i cant deal with it. yes. yes i love him.
but i mean whats wrong with me? i know he doesnt love me.
and i love her too. which no one wants to hear. and i
understand. "but i love you, too." right. thats how im
a bitch. but i love a lot of people. and i sit and say no
baby i dont care about anyone but you. but what the fuck
man. whats true. i dont even know anymore. i say so much
shit i think so much shit i write so much shit and i dont
know whats true and whats bullshit. IM SUCH A SAD MESS OF
A PERSON. all i know is what i feel. and i feel like i
started shaking when i saw her. i feel like when i used to
go to her apartment even though i knew it was wrong i
wanted to lay on the couch and cuddle with her and. just be
close to her. and i mean if i cant trust the words coming
out of my own mouth and the thoughts screaming in my head,
cant i at least trust how i feel? i feel like she should
break up with her and run away with me. and stop wasting
her fucking life with this fucking piece of trash, doing
nothing with herself, not going anywhere it makes me so
mad! and doesnt that mean that i truly care about her? i
mean what the fuck is wrong with me then? i feel like i
just want to be close to her and let her take care of me
and take care of her in my own way and just fuck this other
bullshit and i feel like a fucking idiot for not realizing
that its too late. and im a bitch for even thinking this,
because in his own fucked up way that would kill him. but
he'll never love me enough. he'll never love me the right
way just his own fucked up selfish way. and we'll probably
never ever trust each other. without trust, there is no
love. and i cant love him enough to make up for us both.
i dont have it in me anymore. im too tired of the
bullshit. i want the strength to run away to a world where
i can be free of it and let something good happen to me for
once without throwing it away and regretting it every day.
and having its big ass thrown in my face.

i need to sleep. or just curl up and fucking die.