nin137

Nick's Journal
2003-08-28 16:01:11 (UTC)

You're Right Socrates

You're right socrates....the smartest thing a man can do
is admit that he isn't smart, or rather knows nothing.
but, socrates, i don't know a god damn thing! things that
should make sense to me are as contravaluted as the
chemical equation governing oxidization. my friends come
and go, my passions die down, and my hatred wanes.
nothing is truly permanent, and really the ephemereal
nature of everything isn't what confuses me. i mean i
understand that things change and nothing is really
permanent, it's just that i have trouble understanding
even secular moments.
like for instance, today i ran a solid green light(it was
a left turn)...and socrates, the monkey fucker in the
truck coming at me sped up! i know this because he barely
missed nicking me. now i know that what i did was wrong,
but that doesn't help me understand why he did what he
did.
or for example, i don't understand this...why is it that
food in the organic section lasts longer than the food
with preservatives? shouldn't the latter last longer? and
furthermore what desperate diversion from ennui possesses
an austrian to compare expiration dates on chip bags? why
do i find reading cards in kroger amusing? i mean i
laughed out loud at this one birthday card, it was great.
does this mean that i "take pleasure in life's little
moments?" or does it just mean that i'm pathetic.
why do i rise every god damn morning in a state of
apoplexy and then finally mobilize myself, and not mind?
i seriously don't mind. i don't understand it.
why am i so quiet? introspection is merely a sly disguise
for my inertia to a streaming thought process.
i learn so much in school and i love it, and i don't
understand why other people learn it and do not. and
seriously how am i to be smart?
can you please give me a definite, categorical, ultimate
answer?
why do we humans always need definite, categorical,
ultimate answers?
we find it easy to overlook the simplest answers to
ponder the monstrosity of creation and being. it is the
same inequity that allows us to manufacture aesthetically
enhancing products selling them for all of their value-
added goodness (i learned that in my class), instead of
researching life-giving (or death-preventing) drugs and
giving them away.
i know that doesn't work. you can't give things away, or
else you will be without anything, and no body loves
somebody who doesn't have anything, just because they'll
take the affection of anyone to smooth over the loss of
materialistic pride.
why do we (especially i) fantasize about how we WILL
change the world, when in essence we should just take
pride in the life of satisficing pleasures (birthday
cards).
well if there is one thing i do know it's this. the only
barrier other than assuming we know too much is believing
that we can only do so little. i have learned and now know
that my true pleasure is derived from action rather than
inaction. doesn't seem like such an epiphany really. but
it's not merely action, but beneficial action. beneficial
action that benefits OTHERS and of course me indirectly as
i can't live without my selfish pleasure.
i'm guilty of being human.
i'm guilty of "constant selfish motivation".
yet the penalty i choose to pay for it i can atleast live
with.


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