Kat Eyes
2003-08-28 06:13:19 (UTC)

i knew it....and this is THE END

AmazingTab: hey:-)
StArLeTt110: hey..you called me this morning from your
brothers celly phone
AmazingTab: mmmhmm
StArLeTt110: stop stealing his phone!
StArLeTt110: i dont want u to get in trouble
AmazingTab: you're worth it
StArLeTt110: i tried to call u back on yer house phone
round 130 but no one was home and then after that the line
was busy
StArLeTt110: NO
StArLeTt110: lol
StArLeTt110: wrong answer
AmazingTab: ...
AmazingTab: ok
StArLeTt110: i dont want u to get in trouble and its not
worth it
AmazingTab: ...
AmazingTab: ok
StArLeTt110: ...
StArLeTt110: did u want to talk?
AmazingTab: do i ever not want to talk?
StArLeTt110: umm..there have been times...but they are very
AmazingTab: hmmm
StArLeTt110: im typing my paper and im making pretty damn
good progress but i can talk l8r on the phone if u want
AmazingTab: ...lol....
StArLeTt110: ..........
AmazingTab: no... it's ok... ill be fine
StArLeTt110: u sure?
AmazingTab: no
StArLeTt110: lol ok
StArLeTt110: or we could just talk on here til im kicked off
AmazingTab: ok
StArLeTt110: which is any time after 10
AmazingTab: lol
AmazingTab: ok
StArLeTt110: :-)
StArLeTt110: so how r u doing
AmazingTab: bad
StArLeTt110: why?
AmazingTab: ....
StArLeTt110: what happened?
StArLeTt110: o
AmazingTab: ....
AmazingTab: lol
StArLeTt110: ok ok ok i get it
StArLeTt110: i wasnt sure if this was caused by something
StArLeTt110: like..maye something else happened today..i dk
AmazingTab: nope
AmazingTab: brb
StArLeTt110: ok
AmazingTab: back
StArLeTt110: yay
AmazingTab: ...
StArLeTt110: !
StArLeTt110: i wasnt being sarcastic
AmazingTab: ok
StArLeTt110: ok so anywho
StArLeTt110: is there anything i can do besides the obvious
to make u feel better
AmazingTab: lol...
AmazingTab: got any paint?
StArLeTt110: i have..crayons and colored pencils
StArLeTt110: lol
AmazingTab: no no...
AmazingTab: im good then
StArLeTt110: u can somehow turn that into paint
StArLeTt110: lol
StArLeTt110: no i dont...
StArLeTt110: what colors did u have in mind?
AmazingTab: uhhh... yellow... blue... red... i can mix
AmazingTab: black and red
StArLeTt110: yea
AmazingTab: i mean white
AmazingTab: lol
StArLeTt110: lol
AmazingTab: im really tired
StArLeTt110: aw
StArLeTt110: go ge some sleep
StArLeTt110: *get
AmazingTab: cant
StArLeTt110: why?
StArLeTt110: brb
AmazingTab: insomniac... borderline starving artist.. minus
the paint... (dammit)
AmazingTab: ok
StArLeTt110: ahahaha my grandparents went to sleep
StArLeTt110: aw
StArLeTt110: u need to take sleepin pills or somethin
StArLeTt110: and EAT 4 the love of jesus
StArLeTt110: EAT
AmazingTab: i need to paint
StArLeTt110: where do u plan on getting paint?
StArLeTt110: i mean store-wise
AmazingTab: michaels... just some acrillic paint
StArLeTt110: o
AmazingTab: and a pallet or two
AmazingTab: i have brushes and canvas
StArLeTt110: oOooo
StArLeTt110: yea
AmazingTab: mmhmm
AmazingTab: maybe an easel
StArLeTt110: yea
AmazingTab: mmmhmm
StArLeTt110: mmmhmm
AmazingTab: quite
StArLeTt110: lol
StArLeTt110: ryan took gemma up to the monestary
AmazingTab: ...hmm
StArLeTt110: *shrug*
AmazingTab: what have i become?
StArLeTt110: wtf
StArLeTt110: a starving artist?
AmazingTab: lol
AmazingTab: sure
StArLeTt110: i dk
AmazingTab: i will let you down
StArLeTt110: why do you say/think that
AmazingTab: because i will
StArLeTt110: how
AmazingTab: it is enevitable
AmazingTab: i will make you hurt
StArLeTt110: whats behind this
AmazingTab: the real david
StArLeTt110: ...
AmazingTab: hmm
StArLeTt110: ur not the david i thought u were?
AmazingTab: i dont know if im the david i thought i was
StArLeTt110: what stopped u from becoming...
AmazingTab: ...
StArLeTt110: ...
AmazingTab: ...?
StArLeTt110: AmazingTab: i dont know if im the david i
thought i was becoming
StArLeTt110: StArLeTt110: what stopped u from becoming...
AmazingTab: lol
AmazingTab: really now?
StArLeTt110: im lost
StArLeTt110: this is where my dilemma is...
StArLeTt110: what keeps me from staying or going
AmazingTab: i do
StArLeTt110: no..
StArLeTt110: its the fact of...who are you?
AmazingTab: still me...
StArLeTt110: which david is the one saying everything i
want to hear...
StArLeTt110: the sweet, kind, david that i love
AmazingTab: do i intrigue you?
StArLeTt110: or the david who can twist things and isnt in
it for what it appears to be
AmazingTab: AmazingTab: do i intrigue you?
StArLeTt110: what do you mean
AmazingTab: uhhh.. dont know how else to say it.. do i
interest you?
StArLeTt110: very much
AmazingTab: do you think about why i do things all the time?
StArLeTt110: no
AmazingTab: hmm
StArLeTt110: not all the time
AmazingTab: i do
AmazingTab: would i still interest you if i didn't play
StArLeTt110: w/ me or w/ other people
StArLeTt110: i think u would..yes
AmazingTab: hmm
AmazingTab: with me...
StArLeTt110: i hate people playing mind games w/ me
AmazingTab: i play games only with myself
AmazingTab: i dont mind-fuck you
StArLeTt110: are you sure?
AmazingTab: posititve...
AmazingTab: and if i did, it was unintentional
StArLeTt110: this all is prolly coming off mean..but this
is honestly what keeps me indifferent
StArLeTt110: thats the thing
StArLeTt110: whether its intentional or not...
StArLeTt110: it doesnt matter
AmazingTab: lol
StArLeTt110: mind-fucking is mnd-fucking. u cant put a
cover onit and make it something different
AmazingTab: lol
AmazingTab: the intent is everything
StArLeTt110: yes it is
StArLeTt110: but how do i know what the intent is
StArLeTt110: and how do i know you're not lying to me
AmazingTab: i think you can tell
StArLeTt110: not anymore
AmazingTab: do I lie to people... i mean really?
StArLeTt110: not that i have seen
AmazingTab: i dont see the point in it
StArLeTt110: but there could be a whole nother side that i
have never seen
AmazingTab: the truth is soo much more interesting anyhow
StArLeTt110: we're now going back to the fact that there is
no trust
AmazingTab: there doesn't have to be...
StArLeTt110: how can u say that?
StArLeTt110: yes there does
StArLeTt110: without trust there is no relationship
AmazingTab: you missed my meaning
StArLeTt110: i guess
AmazingTab: StArLeTt110: we're now going back to the fact
that there is no trust
AmazingTab: there doesn't have to be...
AmazingTab: no trust i mean
StArLeTt110: i know
StArLeTt110: thats what i meant lso
StArLeTt110: there must be trust
AmazingTab: there doesn't have to be no trust
StArLeTt110: o
AmazingTab: you COULD trust me
StArLeTt110: could i/
StArLeTt110: after all that has happened...could i?
AmazingTab: have I really broken your trust?
StArLeTt110: theres probably a strand left
StArLeTt110: and a fine strand at that
AmazingTab: didn't do it intentionally
AmazingTab: there would be absolutely no point in it
StArLeTt110: i dont think that u did
AmazingTab: well shit then
StArLeTt110: that does not surpass the fact
AmazingTab: that i slept with my emotionally unstable ex
girlfriend while we were broken up...
StArLeTt110: in w/e mind set u were in when all that shit
happened...u directly broke my trust
AmazingTab: without a sign of relenting on either part
StArLeTt110: really?
AmazingTab: see.. he's the part I dont get...
AmazingTab: you're view...
StArLeTt110: ok...
AmazingTab: if you did this... I mean.. I'd be pissed for
like a day...
AmazingTab: but I would understand
StArLeTt110: maybe its cause im naiive in that department.
i have never had sex and maybe sex isnt really ll that its
cracked up to be, but sex is still not just something that
u do like breath. maybe i hold sex on a higher pedistal
than you
StArLeTt110: and thats why its such a big deal to me
AmazingTab: sex as a pedistal changes with me from person
to person
AmazingTab: with you it would be high
StArLeTt110: exactly
AmazingTab: with caitlin it is rather low
StArLeTt110: i see this NOW
StArLeTt110: but it doesnt change what first ran through my
AmazingTab: sex with caitlin doesn't mean anything to me
AmazingTab: lol...
StArLeTt110: its just....sex
AmazingTab: well we are passed that now right?
StArLeTt110: you and i?
AmazingTab: or are first impressions what you go off of?
AmazingTab: no.. you're first feelings and thought
AmazingTab: s
StArLeTt110: not usually...but they ALWAYS stay there. they
leave a huge imprint
AmazingTab: well... reasoning doesn't overshadow that?
logic takes a back seat to raw emotions?
StArLeTt110: you'e telling me to ook at this logically
StArLeTt110: *look
StArLeTt110: ok...
AmazingTab: ...
StArLeTt110: you had sex with your ex girlfriend 48 hours
after you broke up with your girlfriend
StArLeTt110: logically...i would not be too proud of that
and i would not look at that highly
StArLeTt110: but thats just me
AmazingTab: did i look at it highly? sorry... didn't mean
to come off like that.
StArLeTt110: it seemed like it
AmazingTab: no no... it killed me
AmazingTab: especially after you left
StArLeTt110: did it really?
StArLeTt110: generally...something has to overshadow the
first impression
StArLeTt110: and in this situation, logic doesnt hold a
AmazingTab: lol
StArLeTt110: so yea
StArLeTt110: i dont know what you want me to do
AmazingTab: we love each other...
AmazingTab: i dont see why it's so hard...
StArLeTt110: you love me...
AmazingTab: ow
AmazingTab: OW
AmazingTab: OWWWW
AmazingTab: dude.. you suck
StArLeTt110: i wasnt done
AmazingTab: oh...
AmazingTab: still
AmazingTab: burn
StArLeTt110: you love me..but you broke my trust
AmazingTab: and that is more important than love?
StArLeTt110: it has to be in this case...how do i know that
this wont happen again
StArLeTt110: your trust was thin when we got back
AmazingTab: cuse you love me
AmazingTab: and i love you
AmazingTab: cause*
AmazingTab: I DONT SEE THE PROBLEM... i really dont...
StArLeTt110: the first time i put myself back into this
situation for love
AmazingTab: if i love you... im not going to go do
something stupid with someone who is an obligation to me
StArLeTt110: and look what happened
AmazingTab: like a day before?
AmazingTab: lol
AmazingTab: i did..
StArLeTt110: 'o btw i slept w/ caitlin i thought u should
AmazingTab: that makes no sense..
AmazingTab: there was no real good time..
AmazingTab: you were over...
StArLeTt110: and u didnt think that this would be a problem
StArLeTt110: did u thnk i would just b like o ok no big deal
AmazingTab: .... did i not tell you?
StArLeTt110: no
StArLeTt110: obviously...i'm missing something
AmazingTab: know what...
AmazingTab: this is not even worth fighting over
AmazingTab: i mean really
AmazingTab: not going to solve anything
StArLeTt110: so you're jst going to quit
AmazingTab: you're not coming back in the immediate
future.. i should just go be depressed about it
AmazingTab: i weasn't going to..
AmazingTab: you told me to
AmazingTab: wasn't*
StArLeTt110: when
AmazingTab: you said... david.. i need some time to think
StArLeTt110: yes...
AmazingTab: and then yesterday you said you weren't coming
AmazingTab: you've said that consecutively...
AmazingTab: and without fail
AmazingTab: not very incouraging
AmazingTab: i dont know if i should give up or not
AmazingTab: your worth it for me to keep going
AmazingTab: but you keep telling me i shouldn't
AmazingTab: i wish that we..
could start it over, start it over
i don't need your sympathy or apologies
still i'm staring in my coffe cup at six am
and i cannot give.. up
StArLeTt110: then i guess i am the one who is being
dishonest. because every minute since things ended, i have
been fighting with myself about what to do. in the first 24
hours i was so hurt..if that happened again i think i'd
just kill myself. i keep telling u that i'm not coming back
probably to save myself..b/c as much as i want you back i
cant hurt myself like that again. i dont know who your are
anymore. how can yo sit there and honestly say that you
love me when this happened. so i guess i a lying to you...i
dont know what i want. and if this is how you feel...that
this is not even worth fighting over then maybe you should
stop.because then you're be right...not going to solve
AmazingTab: i dont want to be right
AmazingTab: i want to have you
AmazingTab: i want to be yours again
StArLeTt110: dont bring the lyrics into this...
AmazingTab: lol.... they spoke to me
StArLeTt110: theyre not referring to this situation
AmazingTab: who says... music is open for interpretation
AmazingTab: that is why it is art...
StArLeTt110: ok...my intention for me posting the lyrics
was not to refer to this situation..but they can
AmazingTab: hmm
AmazingTab: forget it
AmazingTab: i just want to heal you
AmazingTab: my sweetest friend
StArLeTt110: i dont know what to tell you to do to help me
StArLeTt110: i dont think theres anything u can do
AmazingTab: fuck you
StArLeTt110: what?
AmazingTab: that is the biggest show of just not caring i
have ever seen
StArLeTt110: is it really?
AmazingTab: quite
StArLeTt110: am i just full of shit?
StArLeTt110: if i am..just say so
AmazingTab: i dont think i know what you are anymore
AmazingTab: the Kat I knew understood love a little bit
more than this
StArLeTt110: hmmm
StArLeTt110: you're right
StArLeTt110: you're absolutly right
StArLeTt110: i'm not understanding
StArLeTt110: and i'm full of shit
AmazingTab: the Kat I knew would have realized by now that
working through things makes a trust that is stonger than
one made just by being togather
StArLeTt110: you're right
AmazingTab: maybe
AmazingTab: i hope so
StArLeTt110: i am not understanding, full of shit and i
dont care
AmazingTab: ....:-
StArLeTt110: yet i think about this 24/7 and fight w/
myself constantly about what i should do and i am unwilling
to throw myself out there in the 'name of love' and be
prone to this happening once again
AmazingTab: you really think that this would happen again?
StArLeTt110: if that makes me not understanding, full of
shit and uncaring, then you're absolutly right
StArLeTt110: who knows....i cant predict the future
AmazingTab: you're a good writer
StArLeTt110: ...
AmazingTab: I just know that it wouldn't
StArLeTt110: why are you saying that?
StArLeTt110: you're a good writer
AmazingTab: why are we saying any of this?
AmazingTab: i doubht you even like me anymore...
AmazingTab: doubt*
StArLeTt110: you do
AmazingTab: sometimes
StArLeTt110: you're giving e credit for something i cant do
AmazingTab: if you only how many time i have turned down
caitlin since we broke up
StArLeTt110: ...
StArLeTt110: am i supposed to feel good about that?
AmazingTab: did you know that penguins only mate once...?
AmazingTab: lol
StArLeTt110: yes
AmazingTab: and she used to call me her penguin...
AmazingTab: this is from like 2 minutes ago...
AmazingTab: CJJ457: penguins?
AmazingTab: no
AmazingTab: noooo
CJJ457: no on tv
CJJ457: penguins
AmazingTab: great
CJJ457: ow
AmazingTab: ...
AmazingTab: ok...
AmazingTab: here it is...
AmazingTab: you make me want to change
AmazingTab: just leave all the bullshit behind, and just be
AmazingTab: and i haven't felt that before
AmazingTab: and it scared me a bit
AmazingTab: but now you're gone so
AmazingTab: yeah
AmazingTab: and now you stopped talking so
AmazingTab: i guess i have lost
StArLeTt110: im thinking of my response...
AmazingTab: all that ever meant to me has been lost
StArLeTt110: im trying to word things
AmazingTab: your responce is not going to make me better
StArLeTt110: that are hard to word
StArLeTt110: are you sure?
AmazingTab: most likely...
StArLeTt110: well..i guess you're right again. im not going
to throw myself out there again and let this happen. its
like me jumping off a fucking cliff and hoping theres
someone there t catch me. im not jumping...the risk is to
great and id kill myself if i fell
StArLeTt110: and im sorry
AmazingTab: then maybe... i shouldn't take a risk on you
StArLeTt110: maybe you shouldnt
AmazingTab: fine
StArLeTt110: ok
AmazingTab: this is the feeling of david leaving
StArLeTt110: ok
AmazingTab: want it violent or silent?
StArLeTt110: say whatever you want to say
AmazingTab: then i want to say that im sorry
StArLeTt110: violent if thats what it takes
AmazingTab: and that it's probably better now...
AmazingTab: i mean for you
StArLeTt110: no no not really..not at the moment
AmazingTab: no.. but it will be, you'll grow and spin and
slip and dance and be better
StArLeTt110: be better...who knows
AmazingTab: and i will paint and write and die and mope...
and be the same
StArLeTt110: please
AmazingTab: everything must be this way
StArLeTt110: you will find someone who is worth taking the
risk for
AmazingTab: no... i will find someone who will take the
risk on me
StArLeTt110: burn
AmazingTab: not meant to
StArLeTt110: i deserve it
AmazingTab: it's meant to tie up some loose ends
StArLeTt110: yea
AmazingTab: and... in some way... i did it... to feel wanted
StArLeTt110: is there anything else i should know...any
other intentions
AmazingTab: im done..
StArLeTt110: ok
AmazingTab: with me
StArLeTt110: k...
AmazingTab: :-)
AmazingTab: well... have a nice life...
StArLeTt110: i think you're fucked up
StArLeTt110: :-D have a fucking nice life