2003-08-28 04:34:54 (UTC)

blank space

maya just moved to astoria. this makes me very happy, that
finally i have a friend that doesnt need to hop a train to
get here, is within walking distance. we went to ladies
night at mcanns where the drinks are half price, we had
dinner, i had an exemplary veggie burger and she a chicken
ceaser salad and we had some drinks. not too many (me only
4 rum and diet cokes, which leaves me drunk but not
we discussed some about men and love. i have been an online
loser of late. i told her of random online boys who have
called me, i told her of some phone sex ive had with a dude
in LA that was quite fun, etc, etc..... and she said, i
sound healthy. she said, you were very severely burned by
someone i gave my heart and virginity to. and that instead
of blocking off boys for a good amount of time i am
playing it safe in the online/phone realm.. this
interpretation makes me happy and makes me feel less like
a loser. because its true really. i have been shunning
physicality with boys. i dont want it. i like the talking ,
the bullshitting. it is safe. there is really no danger
involved. nothing like the extent of the danger and
vulnerability that goes on when there is love right next to
you. scary, mortifying vulnerability that i said, fuck it,
in the face of the age difference, the problems, his
alcholism, i consciosly said fuck it, go with it, it cant
turn out good , but who cares you are feeling. FEELING. and
feeling is GOOD no matter what kind of feeling it is.
problem is i still feel for him like the weird, weak loser
i am and even weirder and weaker, after all he has done to
me, i still talk to him , i still feel for him, i still
cant leave him alone. i know how alone he is and i just
cant do it and i realize i dont want to , i am holding on
for some reason to him, everydayconversation is still so
good, so natural makes me laugh in just the same way,
despite the horrible lying and cheating he did to me.
maya was telling me again, about my dad, and the men i
chose to love. or whatever, who i fall in love with . my
dad is distant, a quiet man, simple i guess, but prone to
alot of feeling. distant with his love, but i have always
felt immensely how much he loves me. she says i am used to
that distant kind of love and that is why i had so many
Unrequiteds for so long. and chris, the virginty ex, was
alot like my dad. both 5'10 , irish, blond hair, blues
eyes, medium build,, alcoholic, into computers and manual
labor, same goddamn birthday. but chris showered me with
affection, treated me very good at times, paid for every
goddamn thing, made me feel beautiful, worshipped my body,
made me feel sexy, understood. he was the first man sinse i
was 15 that i felt i could say anything at all to that was
in my mind, and i guess my naivete is to the extent that i
dont want to let that go. ill never let him back into my
life, but he is still in my heart. i cant help but to
forgive and understand, i know men cheat, i know too
well.but its not what i want.

i think this diary is kinda like therapy. therapy is
stupid. how can an hour reflect a day? i was thinking about
so much shit tonight, today, none of which was any of