once again
2003-08-28 04:21:59 (UTC)

IT s been a couple days since i..

IT's been a couple days since i've been in here. Work has
been keeping me soo busy. I'm so burnt out from this. If
I never had to get up for work again i'll be so happy. "m
tired of trying and wanting more and never getting it. I'm
tired of being let down at work.

Bulldog/Billy is calling me. I haven't talked to him
personally but his messages are always the same..."just
wanted to say I'm stil missing you here in Florida and want
to talk to you more then anything..." Then why did he stay
with that bitch Val for so long? Why didn't he take his
opportunity with me when he should have. We could've been
so happy right now. Things would be what we both wanted.
Instead this keeps happening and he keeps saying that he
misses me and can't stand not seeing me anymoe and things
should've been different.

I don't understand very much right now. All I know is my
life is burnt out. My understanding of what this is, is no
longer there. I don't get this, life, anything. I don't
understand why I've worked my ass off for almost 6 years
and i'm filing bancruptcy. I don't unerstand why i do
things to encourage the man that has told me since i was 17
that he wanted to be with me, to actually be able to and
it 's nothing. But then when i have a drastic life change
he's there again.

I'm getting my panic attacks again. I'm getting all my
heart problems back. I can't stop them like I used to be
able to. IT's getting bad and they make me soo sick. My
shoulder hurts more now then ever. I have to get health
insurance so i can'get better meds and the cheapest that
will cover my conditions is 300 dollars a month plus my
deductibles. I have to have a car by nov, and insurance.

I don't knwo what i'm doing. I think I want to go back to
school but i can'see my self loosing patience with that and
quitting. I don't have confidence i guess. I need help I
think. I think I might need one of those clinic type
deals. Because this is a speral that I'm on and i'm scared
to tell someone here becuase I don't want all the questions
on why and how I feel like this. I don't want that I just
want to be held and comforted and told that I dont have
anymore stress anymore and that life is going on and things
will do things themselves...I don't.