psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2003-08-27 16:47:47 (UTC)

NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DONT KNOW THAT I AM DYING


i guess i always thought this was something i would grow
out of. but i still need so desperately the relief and
soothing the second the blood comes to the surface. i
cried hysterically for 45 minutes all the way home with
only one consolation in my head walked straight into the
bathroom and instantly stopped crying leaving me nothing
but numb and tired. i remember how i used to be afraid and
i would burn instead, perfect straight little lines that
made my entire leg shake from the pain. but as soon as i
got over my initial fear i was addicted. i remember senior
year always having razors hidden somewhere in my bag at all
times, if i didnt i would freak out all day, knowing that
something was going to happen and i would need them. and i
would take an exacto blade from graphics and go into the
darkroom. i remember being at backstage and matt and
georgina walking in after gus promised me they wouldnt come
and going into that shitty little bathroom. last time i
was there i went to pee and remembered it like yesterday.
the school bathrooms, the dark room, at times under my desk
at one set price. and i always thought it would fade away,
like one of the other stupid little stages we go through.
or maybe i just thought that the day would come where i
wouldnt need it anymore where my life would stop being such
a fucking pathetic excuse for a joke, and i would actually
feel real again like i was living instead of going day to
day in an existance that can only be laughed at or pitied,
where i had more than a relationship that isnt even real
with a person who isnt even real inside to make me want to
live.


somehow this numbness is more unsettling than the hysteria.