2003-08-26 21:01:31 (UTC)

ass and city life

im gonna try to not be hard on myself:

ive been home 2 days, and while on vacation, i thought to
myself, when you get back, you must get yourself into
shape. you must get the creative ball rolling. you must
create some kind of schedule for yourself. you must do
and naturally all ive been doing is getting drunk,
sleeping, and daydreaming in bed. ive been talking alot, to
friends, about things i felt on the cruise.
things i thought about.
ideas i had. for stories. for books. i didnt even know i'd
had so many.

i was just taking a dump and thinking about my thoughts.
about what i think about. if its useless thoughts or not.
about the amount of fantasy and daydreaming i do. was
actually thinking about how often i look at other girls
asses, how it started by trying to think like a guy, see
girls the way men do,
my teacher said some so and so writer told the truth about
men: that they want to take the panties off of every girl
they meet, and how thats not something thats really talked
about. and it made me experiment, go around looking at
girls the way i see guys do, when a girl walks by, all
their heads turn. sometimes i wonder if anyone does that
when i walk by. chris always told me what a great ass i
have. so weird, i like the way i look, but ive always known
normal men dont see me the way i see myself.
so now i still check out girls. in the same way.
i was thinking , maybe the ass has that lure, cause its the
only part really you can stare at, without the other person
knowing about it.
julie has always told me, and now marco, that i beat myself
up too much. she has said this about all my worries,
worrying that i daydream too much, masturbate too much,
think too much, if im thinking the right things, doing the
right things, and i normally like to think of myself as
fairly easygoing and going with the flow but i guess thats
just relative to how i used to be.
i like to think that whatever you are doing is what you are
supposed to be doing purely because you are doing it. and
if you feel bad about it, you change those bad feelings
into alternate actions.

i keep thinking about bermuda,
living somewhere less complicated less stressful, a
different kind of life. one where you can go swimming
everyday in crystal waters and people are decent to
where is real life?
i went into this art gallery there, and bought some
prints ended up talking to the owners for a half hour this
cute, old couple, they were so happy, so relaxed
that never wouldve happened in nyc....