Book of Suicide
2003-08-26 06:06:54 (UTC)

suicidal thoughts

i can't stop crying. i'm not quite sure why. i keep
shaking. i feel ugly and gnarled. i'm cold too. god i'm
cold. i'm trying hard to cry softly; i don't want to
bother others. a friend tells me i'm too beautiful to be
used. it hurts in the pit of my stomach. i keep wringing
and shaking out my hands to rid me of my anxiousness, but
it doesn't help. i feel like i'm being choked. i feel so
used, so alone. i'm having a hard time paying attention to
what i'm saying and doing. i'm ready to take the big leap,
and no one's here to stop me. but why can't i do it? i
keep seeing ghosts. ghosts i'm trying to forget. now i'm
biting my nails, i feel like such a child. i'm so scared.
scared of the things that keep coming back, and scared of
what i might do to stop them. i feel sick. my head hurts,
along with my stomach. i need someone to talk to, but i
don't know who to call. i'm so cold and alone. i want to
cut. i'm shaking so badly. i feel like a stray dog left
outside on a frost bitten christmas. i keep pinching
myself as a substitute, but it's not working. i miss
laura. i wish she were here right now. she'd hold me and
wouldn't let go even for an instant. she'd tell me
everything would get better, that i would be ok. i'd give
anything to have her back. why did she have to go away? i
just want to tell her how much i love her. everything i
do, i do for her. not for me, my family, or a higher
power, just her, only her. i'm sorry, laura, for whatever
i've done...