daccn

I am not a clerk
2003-08-25 02:45:35 (UTC)

I need new friends

Sometimes in this diary I've talked disdainfully about my
group of friends - how I feel distant from them, don't
always feel comfortable around them, etc. etc. But they're
some of my favorite people in the world, and most of the
time there's nowhere I'd rather be than in their company
(other than my own).

All of them are heading off sooner or later to their
various universities across north america. Some have
already left - James and Anne. Many will not return next
summer - James and Andy being the primary examples, both of
them completing their architecture internships instead.

The people I knew and loved in high school are returning to
the city less and less frequently, and one by one they will
stop coming entirely. When they graduate they will find
permanent homes in other cities, or perhaps hop from place
to place. Someday, even I will move out.

I like all my friends so much that, for a long time, I
didn't put any effort into finding new ones because it
seemed so unneccesary. I've used them as a social crutch
for so long that it's only now beginning to hit me that
I'll need to find a new group of friends somehow if I want
to avoid becoming a complete hermit (which is increasingly
likely).

I have no idea whatsoever how to go about doing this. Where
are the interesting people to be found? How do i get them
to like me? I've never really had to work hard at finding
friends before - someone friendly always sought me out and
introduced me to their circle. With this group, it was
Greta - she thought I was interesting for some reason and
made sure I ate lunch with her. There will not always be a
Greta to come and find me, and without an invitation like
hers I invariably feel unwelcome.

All of us went to the bar the other night, and I think all
of us sensed that the permanent breakup of "the group" was
imminent, with its most prominent members about to depart
more or less permanently. The end of high school didn't
feel like that, although I sense it was supposed to.
My "end of high school" is happening now, this weekend.
Flattery and hugs were flying back and forth, there was a
certain sadness...we are all about to be grown-ups now, and
must move on with our lives.

I talked about this to Stephen (we were the first ones to
arrive), who is the only one staying in the city besides
myself. He lamented that he did not spend as much time with
us in high school as he should have, following the
attractive girls instead of the intelligent people. He has
his own friends, though. I'm not entirely sure if that
category includes me or not. Likely not.

Ah, Stephen looked so handsome and confident the other
night - and his conversation was as witty and absurd as
ever. I have a crush, that is certain (despite previous
denials). He said he was likely to see me every day on
campus. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not
entirely sure yet, as I have often thought of him as a more
exaggerated version of James. I'm not sure I want to go on
repeating that forever and ever, with no respite. I will
probably get lots of reading done, however - sitting with a
book in the thoroughfare, waiting patiently for him to walk
by.




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