Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2003-08-22 03:29:53 (UTC)

mind game VII...

now that eveything seems to have been
drudged up, and of course, now she's
gone back to trolling, so i can assume
either i hit a nerve, or she's simply
done, which is fine by me. well, it's
not fine, but it will do.

She has of course claimed to not love
me anymore. Well, that would of course
have required her knowing how to love
in the first place. She was never in
love with me, just the idea of being
in love. For me, I loved her, it was
the kind of love one feels for someone
who is important. It was romantic love,
for about the first 3 months. i loved
her as a friend for months earlier, so
it had a been a natural transistion.

Then suddenly she changed, It wasn't
a slow change either. It was quick,
and painful.

We didn't stop fighting for 3 weeks,
then it was a lull for a couple of
days, and then back to fighting.

It was an endless cycle which defined
our relationship from then on.

I felt nothing by the time the summer
had come. Her mother went on about her
moving to Hawaii, and that led to the
worst crying fits and anger, and I had
been the target of most of it.

In august, i'd made the decision that
i could no longer be with her. So, I
came up with a plausable reason, even
tho i didn't feel it was fair.

I managed to get her to move back home
with her mother who couldn't care less
about her, and used her as a tool against
her father. Her mother was very abusive,
but Kristin couldn't handle being on
her own anyways, and I felt that if i
didn't at least make sure she was living
somewhere, and had some sort of support,
so that she didn't end up in a bad place.

And then I dumped her.

And then spent 5 months trying to get
her back. Which I did, after Matt dumped
her because he couldn't handle her, and
all the came with being with her.

Of course, me sleeping with her a few
times while they were "dating", didn't
help, a friend told him about it, even
tho I told him not to.

So, we got back together. and it was
the same, only this time, she cheated
on me in the first 2 months, and I never
trusted her again.

It became on my part, a relationship
based on sex. It's all I ever wanted
from her, so I put up with the fights,
I tried to get her job, after job, and
then eventually I got her into university.

Of course, she cheated on me, to my
knowledge 3 times during that second
time we were together, I knew that
there were more than likely others,
but, i said nothing. I had her, I was
getting regular sex, and it was good

Then, I started to feel different.

I was wrong to have treated her so
badly. I knew she had given up and
was only with me because she had no
where else to go.

There was no going back.

I'd known that for months.

I realize now, I was in love with
her, but I didn't like the person
she was becoming.

Ivan warned me, Geza Warned me.

I didn't listen.

And then last year, I finally got
the release I wanted from her.

It was horrible, I was shaking for
hours afterwards. I wanted to hurt
her, kiss her, and then nothing.

I went cold. I felt nothing, but
that I loved her as someone who
was my first real honest love.

But it was over, and it took me
months to get over her. In fact
I still wonder if I am over her.

They say, the time you are with
someone, double that, and thats how
long it takes to get over that person.

And then several days ago, she finally
decided to speak to me again.

But of course, it was because she
was offended. And not for any kind
of real reason.

And of course, she took it out of
context, and thought it was about
her. instead of because of her.

I learned a lot about relationships
from her.

i suppose i was just adding
fuel to the fire, which hadn't been
the intent of my post. but it didnt

I suppose i should explain why i
even titled it Mind Game. It's based
on the idea, that i am in a perpetual
transition, from one level or another
to the next.

Its not about anyone, it's about getting
out the bullshit, and coming to terms
with it. Essentially, admitting that
i'm wrong, that my opinions have changed
and i am simply preparing myself, for
whatever happens next.

lol, but it was kinda funny, the way
she reacted.

Thanks to those who replied to me, for
putting things into perspective for me,
it helped.

The mind plays tricks, the body heal wounds.

The game being what it is.

I have to wonder about the future.