Bethiepoo03

changes on the Horizon

I have been very introspective lately. I've been thinking
a lot and I've been really working a lot of things out in
my mind, but I haven't really been writing any of this out
in the form of journal entries (my real journal, I mean)
or poetry. This is unusual for me, but I think I'm ready
to start again. The thing about journaling is that one
has to own something when they write it down on paper.
When a person actually writes something out, it certifies
the fact that I really have been thinking that thought;
whereas when I just keep things in my mind, I can
rationalize and modify them later.

I think that's one reason why journaling is so important
in my growth process, because its' very good for me to be
able to look back and see where I've been and where I may
be going. Even for as much of a spiritual failure as I
feel now, when I go back and read e-mails that I've
written to others about what's going on in my life now, I
recognize that I'm being completely real with others and
myself. I have very few absolutes about my walk with
Jesus, but there are a few things that I've really learned
on a much deeper level on this journey that I've been
going through. One of these things is that Jesus is
patient. Even when I feel far away, and i can't FEEL God,
when I take the time to look, I realize that he's still in
the very same place that he was when I felt that I was
rockin' spiritually. I think that a lot of times people
equate religion with spiritual devotion, but I've been
changing in that department. I'm still just as frustrated
with religion and with some aspects of the church, but I
think that lately I've been much more spiritually aware.
I've been searching. - because I've been searching, my
senses have been more in tune with the spiritual things
going on around me.

There's this scripture verse that I'm sure I've quoted in
this before "For I know the plans that I have for you"
declares the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you a hope and a future. For you will
call upon me and You will seek me and find me, if you seek
for me with all of your heart, I will be found by you".
That verse is always quoted - so much so that it's almost
become a cliche, but I've been reading this book
called "the book of God" and it's the bible written as a
novel, and I have been reading about the history of Israel
and the history of the people of the Old Testament. It
amazes me how faithful God was to His people. Time and
time again His people turned away from Him and sacrificed
to false God's and completely turned their backs on the
Lord, and time and time again God was drawing them back.
finally there came a time when God sent prophets to the
people to tell them that if they did not repent and turn
back to God, he would give their cities up to the other
kingdoms for them to be conqured. Israel continued to
turn their back on God, and a string of bad things started
happening, and eventually their city was conquored by the
Egyptions. During this time, where God was allowing a
portion of His wrath to reign down, he sent a prophet to
the Israelites (who were in bondage at this time) and he
said that there was still hope and that God still had
grace for his people and then he said that verse that I
wrote above. "For I know the plans that I have for you"
declares the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you a hope and a future. For you will
call upon me and You will seek me and find me, if you seek
for me with all of your heart, I will be found by you".
(Jeremiah 29:11)The power of that hit me last night as I
was reading and then I realized how powerfully that
applies to our lives.

I wish there was a way to talk about how amazing our God
is without using the same religious language.
In a real way I've been experiencing that God isn't mad at
me. In the Old Testament we see so much of God's wrath -
I used to hate the Old testament because I thought it gave
God a bad image, but it's really a very real picture of
His love and yearning for His people. NOw, we are not
under that wrath of the lord, because in the New
Testament, Jesus allowed God to Punish Him the way that
God would have needed to punish us if we were like those
people in Israel. So, We see God's love and His desire to
want to be with us, and we are not seperated from God the
way that people were before.

This is all a process, but something is brewing within me
beth