2003-08-19 12:17:37 (UTC)

feeling less and less

things haven't been getting any easier. i still can't love
myself, i can't forgive myself for anything, my physical
body is crumbling away. everything is just getting worse
and worse. at least im still unable to self-mutilate
myself, i assume thats a plus. my heart still feels closed
off from religion for some reason, i know that it would
probably help to have a little faith, but im having a hard
time opening myself up to it. i hate myself so much that i
dont want to get better, like im addicted to it. im scared
to let go. if only there was a way out... i know there's
an answer right in front of me, but im too blind to see
it. i cant see the big picture, or maybe im not looking
close enough. i have absolutely no sleeping pattern, its
all haywire. completely random hours of sleep. hopefully i
can cope with it at school. i haven't eaten anything for
the past 12 hours, probably since ive been asleep then...
i wish i could just sleep on command, there are times i
dont want to be awake to live this life. sleep is so
trainquil, even when its a nightmare, it still beats the
reality of life. i still have no idea what to do, so ill
do the same thing that never works that ive been doing all
my life, and just get by.