A day in the life....
2003-08-19 05:25:50 (UTC)

I'm Stressed

yeah...who'd have thunk it? Me, stressed. Yes it is
possible. I am human. I am finally ready to just kick back
and write some stuff in here. I got home last night after a
long weekend with Brian. He was in a wedding in Bedford.
Craig and Jessica had a Beautiful ceremony and reception,
it was huge! I don't even want to think about how much it
cost. Gave me a few ideas tho. Anyways.
*Sigh* Sometimes i wish things could be easier, i wish i
weren't the way i am. I wish i didn't get extremely
contemplative and emotionally needy sometime. I wish i
weren't envious.
It's blantant honesty time anyone really reads
this besides Brian..
I am envious. I am getting somewhat impatient with time and
life. I am wanton and needy. I am selfish.
After and During Craig and Jessica's wedding all i could
think was, "Why isn't that me? I should be up there in that
dress and that should be Brian. I want to go away on a
honeymoon. I want to be the one sleeping next to my husband
and waking up to him every morning. I want to be allowed to
be with my hubby in any way i desire. I want it to be me
Now, not 9 months down the road. I want to be married NOW."
but the whole patience thing comes into play, as does
school, internship...real life gets in the way of what i
want. And then a Bible verse thwacks me in the
head, "Everything is permissable to me, but not everything
is beneficial." 1st Corinthians 10:23
Good verse, good point, but what does it mean? Why does it
keep coming to mind?
I really need to work on my patience, and my inward/outward
desires and wants. I WANT so much, but i NEED so little. I
have everything i Need. I am loved and God is with me.
I love Brian with all my heart..and i Want to be with him
all the be with him 100%, mind, heart, soul, and
body. It is not my timing...if it had been my timing i
would have been married a long time ago. I wouldn't have to
be stressing over finding an internship, thinking about
leaving everything and most everyone i know, dealing with
finances, if it were up to me i'm not sure what i'd be
doing except being there to wait upon the man i love hand
and foot. It's one of my inmost desires. I'd have kids..a
few or a lot of kids.
The top desires of my be married, to be a wife,
and to be a mother. I've thought about being married since
i was 14. Everytime i would start dating or even
considering a guy, i'd think about how we'd be as a married
couple, how our names sounded together, what our kids would
look like, what type of a community we'd live in, etc. Now
it just seems foolish. Everytime i found a new man to be in
my life i would constantly tell myself, "this is
more searching" Usually not long after this, the
relationship would end, without a pinpoint reason or
outright sign that it would end. And i would be crushed
beyond recognition every time.
Now i have the joy that comes with knowing for sure, no
doubt that it really is it. It will never end. So why am i
I still harbor broken bits of my heart, not sure how to fit
them back together...but i realized a long time ago that i
can't see where they go and i can't put them in there
rightful place on my own. i have to trust someone else to
help me find the spot they belong and make my heart whole
again. I still hold on to the piece i fear the most, and
it's a big piece. Brian..i'm talking directly to you
through this entry, you know. I love you. I'm your fiancee.
But with this piece i still yet hold and am about to show
you, comes tiny voices that ring through my head. I offer
you my entire self, completely vulnerable, completely open,
able to be crushed to a point of no return. And that's what
scares me. The last big piece i hold onto is my insanely
huge fear of rejection and fear of being hurt and fear of
showing you my full emotions.
I'm scared. I love you and i know with all my heart and
mind that you will never, have never, and would never hurt
me in such a way. I'm scared to show you what parts of me
really are for the sheer fact that i know it can be scary.
Every bit of passion, every bit of love and joy you see in
me, every bit of sadness, every tear...behind each display
of each emotion is a reality and depth of emotion greater
than any possibly imagined. I have never felt able to
express my feelings just wasn't something my
family did. You were either "fine" "okay" or "i'll be okay"
Never did you speak of love, joy, sadness, depression or
anything deep. It just wasn't the case.
Now i'm vulnerable..and now, now i'm not scared anymore. I
want to cry but at the same time i want to drive the 4
hours it would take to get to you just to see you face and
talk to you...even if i could tell you this to your face..i
wouldn't know where to begin. I'm not even sure where to
end..i never want to end.
I shall just end with a last note. All i am saying is being
stirred up by the book for women i'm reading. I am
emotionally dependent upon others. I have a wanting nature
that may never be satisfied until i'm satisfied with
myself. I Am Human by creation and a Child of God by grace.
All praise and thanks and glory be to Him. God bless y'all,
i'm going to bed.