xcaliluvx

DaZedAtSea
2003-08-18 22:56:50 (UTC)

no tittle

so they say "everyday you learn something new", well, my
lesson of the day is: i am a complete fool. every aspect
of that is true, and so many things point to the fact. i
guess the first clue of my idiotcy, is the reality that i
am dating someone who basically makes me feel like
shit...over and over.i don't even think he notices it. i
try to tell him repeatidly....but of course...what i have
to say doesn't matter, it's just a fucking joke to him. i
think making me feel like a fucking retard makes him feel
superiour, i might as well let him have his glory...god
knows i try to stand up for myself, but i only get pulled
down directly after my attempt. i'm basically to the point
where i can live by the quote "why bother" cuz
seriously....why bother.

other clues of idiotcy:

* the fact that i didn't notice that i am an idiot before.

* i try to sound smart, or try to make myself sound
interesting by trying to intergrate my vocabulary....the
result: i use it all "out of context", and end up "making
myself look like more of a fool than before." (I quote
that directly) this really sux...it sounds like a stupid
thing to worry about...but when you realize that your
opinion or what you have to say is just a fuckn joke to
people...when you actually thought you sounded somewhat
sophisticated...you would feel pretty fuckn moronic too. i
feel like i have to much to live up to, to much is
expected of me.

* i didn't realize that this paranoid personailty disorder
is really an issue with me. i wish people could
understand, i have fucked so much shit up for this reason,
but what can i do? it's not like they have some medication
for it. so i guess i could learn how to control it, but
when do i know when i should really take action in what i
suspect, or how do i know if i am being ridiculous..and to
stop worrying about what i am at the moment. fuck. i am at
a dead end.

fuck this...i'm out.




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