blueswede

my burden has been lifted at last

The other night I found out something that I wish I'd known
several months ago.

As readers of my entries from this spring will recall, I had
some personal problems relating to a girl I knew. The brief
plot summary: we went out once, couldn't get together due to
her family's stance on the issue, and agreed to keep contact
and see what transpired. I didn't hear from her for months,
and finally called her on the phone. We met up over spring
break, and I found out she was seeing somebody.

So that's the whole mess that started the depression I dealt
with last spring and the early part of this summer. So many
unanswered questions: why the loss of contact? Why was she
seeing somebody now, in defiance of her parents? What role
had I played in this little drama?

It really felt shitty, in large part because I realized that
I'd spent 25% of my time and effort over four years towards
impressing girls, and had gotten nowhere. In fact, the one
girl who seemed halfway interested in me turned right around
and did this crap to me. I really felt like shit; what kind
of awful person has that sort of life? What the hell was I
doing wrong to drive people away like that?

But I was recently talking to a mutual friend of ours (who,
for the record, most likely knew nothing of all this). Come
to find out, this jive girl had also given her friends this
non-communication treatment.

Now this meant two things:
1) The breakdown of our friendship/relationship probably had
nothing whatsoever to do with me, and
2) This girl clearly wasn't worth getting upset over if she
would go and pull that kind of shit with everybody.

It would have been nice if I'd known this earlier. I guess
the lesson here is, don't be afraid to talk to your friends
about shit that's getting you down, even when somebody they
know is involved. You just might get some insight, and you
may be spared a whole lot of pain.

So I'm not sure what to feel right now. I guess it's ok if
I still think she's pretty, but if she were to suddenly walk
back into my life, there'd be some explaining to do. And I
don't mean the "it was a difficult time" shit, either. I'm
talking full-on Lucy-you-got-a-lot-of-explaining-to-do kind
of shit. Ricky's show was ruined, honey.

All Desi Arnaz wannabe attitude aside, I'm feeling a hell of
a lot better about myself right now. It's as if the weight
of my life was suddenly off my shoulders, and for once in my
existence I'm really free. Perhaps it's not my personality
after all, or even my appearance as much as I once thought.
Maybe, just maybe, I've had a string of rotten luck that is
nearing its end. And maybe with my new physique, this luck
of mine will change.

In the words of Stuart Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart
enough, and doggone it, people like me!"