2003-08-17 17:12:20 (UTC)

im not afraid of happy endings,

im just afraid my life wont work that way.

I didnt sleep very much. but im not too terribly tired. I
wonder where my honey is. probably still sleeping, which
is a bad idea cus he works tonight.

i finished waltz into darkness last night. it was so
good. i'm going to read more of his stuf.

im GUNA get a job tomorrow. im not going to TRY. im going
to get one. and its going to be a good one and I'm going
to have money again and everything is guna be all good in
that department. because i truly hate having to worry
about money. money is so inconsequential and i hate
spending so much time and stress thinking about it. theres
much more important things to be thinking about.

like how no one understands me. and it really has been
bothering me. people thinking less of me and feeling like
im something im not. but honestly, this is me. and this
is why i dont bother myself with a ton of casual friends.
because i only want and need one or two close friends who
know me. i understand i have more than 2. but i dont need
a gaggle of geese following me around who know nothing of
whats inside my mind and heart and just want me as another
number on their list. i dont want that. all i want a
couple quality people to know me and understand me.

this is me, and the best thing that i can think to say
about myself, is that I dont pretend to be someone I'm
not. I'm real to the people who count. I don't waste my
time pretending, or trying to impress anyone. If they need
to be impressed, fuck em. BecauseI honestly think that if
someone can somehow get me to like them, which is rare,
when I like someone they're GUNA think I'm fun and sweet
without me having to TRY.. Because that's what I am. I'm a
cold hard bitch on the outside to screen out the 98% of the
people in this world that are not worth wasting my time
with because they will undoubtedly fuck me over or hurt me
in some way (even if its just a matter of being painfully

But it's true that I live in a world of black and white,
and I either hate you or I love you. The people I dont
care about, I havent had enough time to decide. And
sometimes I make mistakes. And I love people who arent
worth it. Maybe I hate some people who dont deserve it.
But I generally dont ever stop. I never stop loving
someone, even if it means a million forgivenesses, and
I'll never forgive someone I hate in a million years.
I'm certainly not saying this is the best way to go about
things. But it's my way. And if theres anyone who cant
deal with that, who cant understand that, who cant accept
that and say it's worth dealing with her outside, to get to
whats inside - fuck them. Cus I dont really NEED any more
friends. I couldnt care less if I have any more. I have
my honey, and that's enough. As fucked up and selfish and
hurtful ass as he is. He's my fucked up selfish hurtful
ass. And he's enough. And I happen to be so lucky to have
a couple more people who I know love me and who I love in
my own way in return. And that's far more than enough.

I guess the thing is, I was hurt more than I would expect
to be. Someone with the potential to become a true, close
friend, not just the fun casual friend that they have
always been, misunderstood me and judged me, and even
worse did so out of context. And while this can easily be
forgiven and forgotten, they seem to have carried away with
them an altered perception of me. A distorted, untrue,
altered perception. Which is now past the point of being
hurt to be judged wrongly, but also disappointing. But
you know. I guess that happens. Which is why I moved to
Plan B in the first place. Many people go around trusting
everyone, loving everyone, thinking everyone's their
friend. And many people get stomped on, pissed on and
fucked over. As I did, and I said hey! this isnt working.
Time for Plan B. Eh.

Basically, ANYONE who cant understand me enough to not
judge me, who doesnt want to know me badly enough to try,
kindly fuck off.