squrlgyrl

change machines and apple trees
2003-08-15 22:16:21 (UTC)

shouldn't there be a limit of rock bottoms?

alright, so....a month goes by and my life has turned
upside-down. i'll start out with the shortened version,
then get more in-depth....joe'l and i broke up. (how
simple that sounds)...shes now dating jessica...i shoud
have put money down on that---i'd be rich and i wouldn't
have to g to school...and even though it would be fake
happiness, at least i could buy some sort of happiness. in
the back of my head i keep thinking that joe'l might read
this....but somehow i doubt it...she wants to stay
friends, but so much has changed over the past year, i
don't know if i can do that...i know that i won;t be able
to talk to her for a while,,,and forget about going back
to melbourne,,,,thats going to be thanksgiving--maybe. i
feel so replaceable...not even a week goes by, and shes
already dating her ex. i feel like this past year was just
a fling...she was with jessica b4 me, and now shes back
with her...it makes me wonder how many times i was sitting
in her room, while she talked to jessica online....how
many times she wished it was jessica in her bed instead of
me....how mnay times the phone rang and she was
dissapointed to find it was me on the other line. its a
technicality that i broke up with her. i know she pushed
me to do it...she didn't have the balls to break it off
with me. and now i don't even think she cares. i guess she
does, maybe, but shes doing a hell of a job rebounding. i
never thought there wouldn;'t be an 'US'. i never thought
i would be her ex. thats the most depressing thing....for
the past year i have been the most inportant person in her
life (or so i thought), and now im hurt at how eaisily im
cast aside and replaced. out of site, out of mind i guess.
i know our relationship was weakening....and this is
probably for the best, but im having a hell of a time
dealing with losing my fiance, while shes back already
with another girl,...and yes, jessica is a girl. i don't
compare to her physically, i don't comapre to hardly
anyone physically---but i do know that joe'l could never
do better than me. how arrogant i sound. it sucks that
what i had to offer was no longer enough....yes folks, im
sad and depressed and lolnely and jealous and mad, and
hurt beyond belief....i woke up this morning, and the
first thought that came through my head was, 'i shluld
die, i don't have anything here....i don't want to be in
school, alone...im already the lonely cat lady....' thats
not a foldger's thjought...that was not the best part of
waking up. ugh.,....i do know one thing for sure--i took a
chance and opened up, and got scarred....thats going to
take time....and i have never been the most patient
person. i hope i can make it.




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