Mezzo Swede

A Toast to World Domination
2003-08-12 08:12:30 (UTC)

Cheap Bastards with Allergies

Under some very inexplicable and mysterious circumstances,
several pairs of sleep pants seem to have disappeared. In
fact, ALL the sleep pants that Luis and I collectively own,
seem to have disappeared. Only one pair of sleep pants
remain. The blue and white striped Ralph Lauren sleep
pants. One pair of pants. Two people. One pair of pants. It
doesn't work so well. While in the apartment now, at any
given time, one of us isn't wearing any pants.

Ha ha. I am wearing them now. But if I should take a
shower...or get undressed for any reason, you can bet that
Luis would be right there, yanking them from the floor and
I'd be the pantsless one. Ha ha. Maybe I should make a pair
of pants for Face. He seems like the kind of cat who'd
appreciate a good pair of pants.

I got a sixteen dollar parking ticket today. I was at the
orientation for my new job. I was struck by temporary early
morning blindness, and parked in a two-hour zone, for a
five hour orientation. Anyway, the orientation was cool. I
think I'll like the job. There were some interesting people
there, training for the same positions. There was one woman
who kept asking about the company dress code. Oddly enough,
looking at what she was wearing today, she didn't seem to
understand that regardless of company policy, it is NEVER
ok to wear pink leggins and a dress consisting of several
patches of differing animal prints. NOT OK. It's offensive
to everyone with functional eyeballs.

I was done at that job around noon. Had a quick snack
consisting of a liverwurst sandwich, a bite of Luis' tuna
salad sandwich, some Milano cookies and a three or four
chocolate covered gummy bears. Then I took an
unpremeditated nap, and woke up five minutes before I
needed to be at Estee Lauder.

It was National Moron Day at Estee Lauder. One woman spent
two hours trying to convince everyone in the store that
waterproof eyeshadow not only exists, but is a necessity. I
wanted to ask her why the hell she wants waterproof
eyeshadow? Is she moving to Seattle? Is she just a really
vain swimmer? Is she doing some Maui waterfall model photo-
shoot? That last one would have been offensive, had I
actually said it... She would have seen through my sarcasm,
seeing as how she was not in the least bit attractive from
any angle. Not even underwater, with or without eyeshadow.

And to all you cheap fuckers out there...Estee Lauder has a
free gift. Please observe the word GIFT, and think about
what that means...I don't know if I have said this before,
but I'll say it again. Would you accept a gift from one of
your friends...and then immediately wonder why you only get
ONE, and demand more? It's a GIFT, you fucking assholes.

I offered a perfume sample to a customer, who was irate
because we didn't have a brown mascara in stock. She
promptly told me that she's allergic, with a stunned look,
as if I was supposed to know already. So, caught a bit off
guard, I asked if she wanted it anyway, to give to friends.
She sneered at me, and raised her nose in my
direction. "Why would I want my friends reeking of your
perfume, if I already told you, I am allergic?" And with
that, she grabbed her FREE GIFT, and sauntered off. I
should have yanked it back, and removed the fragrance that
was already part of the gift.




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