2003-08-11 19:59:11 (UTC)

taken OUT OF CONTEXT, i must seem so strange

Oh yeah. you said it ani.

whatever. this is exactly the thing i talk about when i
talk about how much i dont like people. and since everyone
and their mother wants to read this and analyze it and take
only what they want from it and overreact to it, let me
clarify that when i say i dont like people, i mean that i
do not like the hurtful, selfish psychological dynamics of
people as a whole. i do not like the fact that EVERYONE,
and i mean every single person on the face of the earth, is
in it for themselves above anything else and will fuck
anyone else over if the circumstances present themselves
appealingly enough. and yes i do understand that when i
say everyone, i mean everyone and i am a part of everyone.
but when im writing in my personal fucking diary that is
made public mainly for one specific person that actually
KNOWS me and UNDERSTANDS me and i otherwise would not be
able to keep in touch with as well as we should, i dont
expect that i should have to spell out every single emotion
and thought i have, to avoid someone getting their
feelings hurt because they dont know me quite well enough
to follow my train of thought completely.

And yes note-leaving asshole, I actually do happen to know
all about projection and everything else you threw out
there to someone you dont know and will never know, so shut
the fuck up you stupid fucking cunt -hows that for angry?
Please do me a favor and dont fucking psychoanalyze me
until you've read all 230 other entries in this diary word
for word twice and discussed them with me and heard my
entire life story and everything i would never post on here
BECAUSE of the fact that ignorant motherfuckers like you
arent able to resist commenting on what is my personal life.

for those of you that DO know me, but perhaps just not
well enough, let me say that I am certainly not going to
apologize for anything I say in the privacy of a place
where I go to let out my emotions and thoughts. I will
however apologize for hurting your feelings because that
wasnt my intent - again, my INTENT was to WRITE IN MY
PERSONAL DIARY. And I need to be able to be honest with
myself and say what I'm feeling in my own diary, no matter
who is reading it. Maybe there should be a foreword, or a
flashing red warning sign that says "you may not like me
anymore if you read this." But theres not. Because its
mine and its me and if anyone doesnt like that, they dont
have to be my "friend." Yes, I am that cold inside. and
no, you don't understand why. But that doesn't mean that I
dont care about people. Even though I dont remember it, it
is the perfect story. "I hate everyone, but I can stand
you." That's really as simple as it is. Theres very few
people that I dont absolutely abhore. And there's even
less that I actually care about. And if I hurt the
feelings of someone I care about, I am sorry. But this is
my place to write how I feel, whether I am angry or sad or
off the edge or apathetic or anything else - and I will not
make this diary private so that one particular person can't
read it and I won't screen out what I say when I'm letting
my thoughts flow just to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
Because that's me. I don't trust anyone. And if I feel
like someone's fucking with me, that's it. But the people
I like, I like a lot. And I dont need that fucked up over
something that's taken completely out of context and
misunderstood when it was not written to be interpreted or
analyzed or even reacted to by anyone.

And thats all I have to say about that.

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