Jennifer

Exposed
2003-08-11 07:36:33 (UTC)

Emotional Turbulence

Well since the last time I wrote somehow Ian and I wound
up having sex and stuff again. When I talked to him about
it he admitted that he does care for me and that he wants
me. I know I should have probably chosen to remain
abstinent so that I could try to prevent him hurting me
again but it's difficult. I moved up to Rockwall which is
an hour away from Ian and I saw him everyday after the
reunion...he brought me a rose...that was sweet. I am back
in my home town right now for a 10 day vacation and the
first day back some people that are friends with Ian and
suppose to have been my friends as well invited him to a
party and he called to try and invite me but I was in the
emergency room...he told me he got the impression that
they didn't want me there anyway. Today they invited him
to another party and his step mother asked him if he was
going to go and they started whispering...I wasn't trying
to eavesdrop really but I think he said he might go and
when she asked if he was going with me or something he
said no because he got the impression they didn't want me
there. That really upset me...I mean the fact that he
doesn't seem to care that he is hanging out with people
that are being two-faced and immature to me not to mention
treating me unfairly because of my closeness with him
bothers me...as well as the fact that he didn't seem to
want me to know that he was going to the party. I hate it
when people keep things from me...it's the same as a lie.
I just really want someone loyal, trustworthy, and honest
in my life. I remained at Ian's house until the show we
were watching was almost over and then left...I was upset
and wanted to get home so badly and numb that God-awful
feeling with alcohol...I did just that...I am on meds and
had to take two pills at once which may not have been the
smartest thing but I only had like fifteen minutes until
midnight so I had to...I had seven shots of scotch and at
some point called Daniel because he makes me feel
better...after I got out of the shower I noticed how my
heart was racing...it felt like it wanted to jump out of
my chest and there is a kind of tight feeling when I
inhale deeply...also, I clocked my pulse rate at 126 beats
per minute...I was afraid I would have a heart attack or
something and I am typing now to try to bring that down
and vent in a calm way. My plan is to stay drunk or buzzed
for the next like 48 hrs...don't get me wrong I'm not an
alcoholic but I just like alcohol because it helps make me
content and numb. I am big on loyalty and I am conflicted
because part of me knows that I have a reason to be upset
with Ian because I would give a damn that my "friends"
were treating my best friend poorly but the other part of
me questions whether I should give a damn because they are
his friends more than mine but it still kinda bothers
me...I don't have a solid foundation of trust with him
again yet and that makes me question why he wouldn't seem
to want me to know that he was considering going in the
first place...The mind can be an evil thing when you have
worst case scenarios attacking your mind and I just hope
he'll tell me...and another thing I'd love to know is what
the hell I did to his friends in the first place...I guess
sometimes people just suck.




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