Yet Another Guy Named Matt

Serious Fucking Journalism
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2003-08-10 07:22:14 (UTC)

Why I Need To Get A Real Job - Reason #483

I keep staring blankly at this memo I received at work the
other day in hopes of magically stumbling upon a loophole
which will render me exempt from having to endure the petty
extraneous meetings it promotes. Alas, salvation is nowhere
in sight. Well, I still have two days to find an escape
route so perhaps if I pray to the correct deity or deities,
he/she/it/they will smile upon me and smite the ignorant
bastards who are trying to waste my time. Basically, there
are a series of seminars I must go to in which my fellow co-
workers and I will be told repeatedly about how allegedly
unproductive we are and how we can remedy the non-existent
situation. It gets better. The powers that be, in a
decidedly brazen attempt to get me to Hulk out, have
scheduled said meetings at 9am on Tuesday, Thursday, and
Friday. Look assholes, I don't get out of bed before noon
unless there is the promise of free booze or if I have a
class to attend. School is not in session yet and as far as
I can tell, this bitch fest is going to be a dry affair so
you better give a damn good reason to show up other than a
phony promise of being compensated monetarily for my time.

There is a particularly amusing passage from the memo that
I would like to share with you. The second paragraph closes
with the following statements: "This program is designed to
benefit both you and our business and we should have some
fun with it too. Your attendance is expected at all
scheduled sessions. Non-participation could result in
disciplinary action." Holy contradictory bullshit Batman!
There has never been a single instance in the course of
human history in which something made mandatory has ever
been enthralling, enjoyable, or even tolerable for that
matter. You had me at fun, but then you turn around and
ruin the delusion by basically telling me that you are
going to force feed it down my throat until my gag reflex
is triggered. Gee, sounds like a swell time will be had by
everyone involved... Should I bring the noisemakers or the
party hats?

In a rare personal instance of utilizing methods of non-
violent resistance, I have begun planting the seeds of
insurrection in the hearts and minds of my co-workers. Will
they take root? Probably not. A scary majority of these
simple folk like to discuss the joys of reality television
and how these shows have given their own lives some
semblance of meaning and purpose so my confidence in them
is virtually nil. The rest of us who actually are capable
of thinking for ourselves are too few in number to make any
sort of valid impact with our collective absence so it
looks like six hours of sheer torture await us this week.
Perhaps it won't be too bad after all. I mean, there is no
law that suggests that you can make somebody role play
against his/her will, correct? After all, no means no and I
have a pleathora of after school specials from the 1980s on
BetaMax cassettes to prove it.

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