sammy57

just a normal life
2003-08-07 04:11:43 (UTC)

hmm funny how things happen!

Well hey! its been quite a while since I last and i kinda
forgot about writing all that stuff in there. Lets see
well... as far as Erik Vogel... i realized I don't like
him like that again... and even if i did have feelings for
him and sometimes just being around him I'm reminded of
those feelings... I really don't think that it would ever
work out between us because he's just looking for a
different kind of girl.. or at least right now he is... I
wouldn't give him (if you know what I mean) what he wants
lol.. cuz thats just me!

Lets see.. shall we talk about Ricky...? This is a funny
story... well we became pretty good friends again and it
was cool because we hungout a lot! with other friends or
just alone ya know cuz we were cool like that and he came
over a lot actually and i thought i was doing soo good ya
know just being friends with him... and i thought that was
all i wanted... but then one night at Kara's she was just
pointing out all the good things about him ya know like
the fact that he's well for one thing got a great body...
and he's so nice.. and he gets along with all our
friends.. and he's smart... and the list just goes on and
on.. and he loves God! thats obviously important!... so
then i started liking him... and one night we talked on
the phone for .. how many hours??... i think like 8.. i
can't remember now its been a while... but we ended up
just telling each other how we felt and everything and it
was cool... and how he hadn't really stopped liking me
since Christmas but didn't want to say anything again cuz
last time i kinda started avoiding him... but this time
was different cuz i liked him too! but i was like this
sucks cuz I gotta tell ju about this now ya know i just
have to ... so at lgca i ended up telling her about it one
night and she was actually happy about it! i figured it'd
be a good time cuz she had someone that she liked adnt hat
liked her and that there was a possibility of something
working out there ya know so i was like hmm...

So then i got hom and we had a lot of bad timing cuz i was
gone so much and when i was finallyi home he'd be gone...
but he ended up asking me out before i left for
cornerstone.. and it was really sweet and he's always been
soo sweet ya know and thoughtful and everything so like i
don't know we always wrote each other while we were gone
and then when we came home from wherever we were we spent
like every day together and i was like ahh this is kinda
suffocating me because i also like to be able to have days
where i don't HAVE to do anything or think about calling
him i don't know its so weird but i'm just soo bad at
having a boyfriend... and by the time i left for atlanta i
was like... i either need to decide to stick with him or
to break up with him cuz things are getting awkward cuz
its always on my mind when we're together ya know... sooo
busride to atlanta...

After about ooh i don't know 6 hours or so Julianne was
asleep and Erik was trying to sleep but he didn't ahve any
room cuz he was right behind ju and ju had her chair
leaned back.. and so matt was like well why don't you and
sam switch cuz i had already told them that i wouldn't be
able to sleep cuz i just can't sleep on busses lol... so
we switched and i was sitting next to matt... and gosh i
don't even know how it all happened... well he was
massaging my neck... and i was like hmm okay.. and then he
was like what are u thinking? and i was like... i have a
boyfriend! and he's like i see... and he told me that the
song he was listening to reminded him of me...and it was
closer by slingshot 57... and i obviously knew the song
cuz he was listening to my mp3 player... and it goes a
little something like this... i wanna knoowwwww i wannnaaa
seeee i wanna hooolldd youuu and belieevee... and i was
like umm okay... i have a boyfriend... and he's like i
know just as friends... and i was like okay... but it was
soooo hard for me at that moment i just wanted him to hold
me at that moment its like all those feelings that i
thought i had gotten rid of all came flooding back and he
just made me feel like no one else had ever made me feel
before... like this feelingi n my chest and i was just
like ahh this is NOT happening!! its okay kids... i stood
firm in my ground.. im not the cheatin type... and oh blah
blah i don'tknow lets just say it was tough cuz i really
wanted him then but i knew i couldn't have him... and that
also got me thinking... if i have stronger feelings right
now for the guy sitting next to me than i ever have with
ricky... why am i still going out with him? its not really
fair to anyone!

So i had that to think about the wholetime i was in
atlanta lol... but i also started avoiding matt lol i just
have something weird in my brain and i just get sick of
guys so easily sometimes! how can i want them so bad one
minute! and then just want to get away from them thenext!
well thats how it goes with me lol and so anywayz tho i
got home.. and i was like i'm goig to give it some more
time with ricky... i mean he's really such a great guy and
all my friends like him a lot and i mean ya know i like
him and all... its just that all those little things to
the way he answered the phone to his hair were bugging me!
soo stupid but it was! but he wanted to take me out to
dinner and then whatever else and i was like well.. okay
sure why not.. i figured it'd be like my deciding point...
and the whole time i was like ahh i can't decide i dont
knwo ... at points i would be like.. yea its over... lol
and then at a few times i would be like i don't know that
i would want to ruin this ya know! so .. the date
ended...and i was still undecided.. cuz like i had a good
time and stuff... but we ended up hanging out with his
friends a lot which was cool and i think that was part of
the reason i had a good time ya know! and ricky is such a
good friend to me!

anywayz... so i got home and i talked to my friends about
it and i still wasn't totally sure... and then i woke up
the next morning i think and there were roses and a card
on my porch... from ricky... for no reason lol... and i
know you think ..."that is soooo sweet" ... but it was
just the final thing i needed to convince me to break up
with him... it was obvious i didn't like him as much as he
liked me and i didn't want to keep this gong to where he
would become more attatched to me or i would become mroe
attatched to him ya know and make everything harder when
it ended... and this wsn't the only thing... its just that
he's bought me soo many things... lets start back at the
beginning... a phone with a headset so i could talk to him
while laying in bed... Sweet Home Alabama DVD... he made
me a necklace and bracelet... the roses... and i had
aquired by this time like 10 cards from him! andit had
only been a couple months! you know what i had bought
him... nothing! lol i know i'm so horrible at this! but i
just i didn't know ya know.. i didn't know why he was even
buying me stuff... i just didn't expect it at all ya know
i don'tknow... i jsut think he could fine a girl soooo
much better for him! ya know.... so i called him one night
after i got home from lauras... and it was soooo hard to
tell him.. i'm such a wimp!! it took me like ten minutes
before i finally said it and i wanted to so bad and i
tried so many times and my voice just wouldn't come out
and i knew he knew something was wrong and i knew i was
just making it worse by not just saying it and yet i
couldn't get my words to come out of my mouth! it was
awful! I felt soo bad! but i did it

and at first i felt so bad about it ya know it wasn't even
like iw as relieved cuz i was jsut soo like blah ya
know... but in the end i'mglad i did it... no regrets...
and so far it seems as tho we're gonna stay friends! which
is soo awesome! cuz i wouldn't want it to end! he's an
awesome guy! he really really is!he definately needs
prayers right now tho cuz his uncle just passed away and
his cousin got in a car accident and umm the doctors said
he might not make it... but ricky said that he's getting
better... so i pray that he continues to heal and recover
from his accident!

whewww okay and so as of now i'm still kind of avoiding
matt because oh my gosh i am like the worse person in the
world! i shouldn't have even let him touch me on the bus
trip because now i'm afraid he likes me and i'm avoiding
him and he has that song in his profile and this other
thing and oh man! i feel like such a jerk! gosh i'm gonna
go now! lol

Oh but if anyone actually ever reads this... it would mean
a lot to me if you would pray for my friend Kristin and
her family! muchas gracias!!

Godbless!!!!! : )




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