Ode to a psycho!HA!
2003-08-07 01:53:41 (UTC)

The Wishing Well

Why do you look sad little girl? Why are you crying?
I did something tonight that was very wrong. It was
spontaneous, and dangerous, and uncalled for, and out of
character. And it wasn't fair. Actually it was probably more
in character than I am most of the time. Not a candy coated
image of a frozen shivering scared little girl. Frozen,
that's what I am, frozen. Hey, it explains why my hands and
feet are always so cold......I'm miserable. I am most
sincerly utterly miserable, and I mercilessly desplayed that
tonight, and I couldn't explain it because everytime I
opened my mouth to absolutely scream all that would come out
were masses and masses of tears. And I didn't want to scream
so bad that I stopped opening my mouth, and only a few drops
of the acidic hurricane escaped from my soul and slid to my
mouth. I'm miserable, and I want to die, and I'm sad, and i
don't want to be. Please make me not be sad. i don't want to
be sad anymore. please make it stop. And I can't ask you
that beaacuse I don't know how to make it stop, and I don't
know how to make it go away, and all I know is that when I'm
with him, and he's holding me, and I feel him rubbing my
back and kissing my hair, that I'm safe, and I'm happy and I
don't want to die anymore, and for that split second I truly
am happy and I smile with my whole self. I don't have to
apply thick layers of candy coating to everything I do and
say. I can be myself, and that's scarey because I don't know
how to be myself. I'm so used to being everyone else that I
can't hear past the fucking screaming to open my eyes to see
myself. I lay there and he has his arms around me and I'm
happy and then I hear those fucking comments in the next
room, always those fucking voices and that laugh that
pierces iron stakes through my chest everytime I hear it.
and I fucking lost it. I couldn't even explain the torture I
was feeling, i couldn't even breathe. I physically stopped
breathing. And I hear that fucking voice say my name, and I
can see the pins piercing my arms, and I can feel the fire
buring my hands, and I can feel the vice pressing on either
side of my head tighter, and tighter, and tighter, and my
skull seperating at my temples and It just keeps gettiing
tighter and tighter and they just keep screaming louder and
louder, and all i want it to do is stop. Please God make it
stop. I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to feel
like I have to die. You know why that sounded like funeral
music? It was funeral music. My funeral music. And you know
what i thought of the first time I heard that song? You. and
you know what i thought next? my god, that's how I feel.
that's exactly how I feel. i don't want to be sad anymore...
please i don't want to be miserable. I have to get out of
this place, my god it's the only way I'll stay alive.
really. Listen to it, think about it, please dear god, just
fucking listen. Please-- I blinded my eyes, My head I turned
away, I hardened my heart, for fear of my ruin.

You are my sunshine.