Darkshine Raven

Just A Life
2003-08-07 00:36:10 (UTC)

The Anatomy of a Break Up

"You seem to think that everyone in this world is just
like you. Everyone operates, feels, and thinks the same.
Well, I'll tell you something," the angry young woman
ranted on, "we are all a product of our experiences and
therefore different types of people. You need to stop
judging everyone based on your own convoluted ideals, it's
simply idiotic." Her black hair fluttered in the breeze as
she turned about face and started walking away. Tears
rolled down her face but she was long past the impluse to
wipe them away. All she hoped was that he wasn't going to
see her pain.
"Stop!" the young man cried after she had cleared a good
ten yards distance, "do you actually want to walk all the
way home?" He could see from here that she had indeed
stopped walking but she wasn't answering or turning
around. This pissed him off. She was playing mind games.
She was being manipulative. "Trust a woman," he thought to
himself, "to go on and turn around and be someone you
thought she wasn't right when you trust her most." He was
beginning to see the reason all his friends were
constantly bitching about their girlfriends. He sighed
and walked towards her, all the while trying to decide
what had gone wrong in their relationship. Had she simply
been trying to please him at the start when she had acted
so talkitive and intelligent? Had she been repressing her
whiny female nature only to have it all come tumbling out
now? He suspected as much. This, he knew at least, was
over. He didn't care what she said...she was done, and so
was he.
Once she realized he was approaching, the girl started
brushing her tears away very quickly. She didn't want him
knowing just how important he was to her. Why would he
need to know anyways, she was constantly thinking of new
ways to show him just how much she adored him, only to
have them brushed off like childish advances. Was that how
he saw her, she wondered, as a child? He'd better not
Because if he went that far, she'd show him just how adult
and strong she could be. She could be on her own, she knew
it. Sure, it may not be the easiest thing she had ever
done but she could, and that seemed to be what he was
doing. Mocking her lack of independence. That's what him
walking towards her with that cocky male swagger was. A
show that he would come and defend the helpless girl. This
boiled her blood like nothing else he had ever done. She
was so upset, in fact, that she turned around once more to
see him about four yards away from her and looking mighty
angry himself. She sighed, this would be another one of
those nights, and as if to conferm her woe lightning
ripped the sky and a heavy rain poured down. As if the
rain soaked into her head and drown her brain, the girl
was suddeny awash in thoughts of their past. How he had
never bothered to show he cared. How she had always felt
they were a good couple but he had never spent a moment to
think about them or her for that matter. She had always
felt lonely throughout the course of their relationship
and for some reason she actually found that she had little
emotional attatchment to the guy who now stood beside her.
Why was this? They had connected well throughout their
reltionship and had always been talking and sharing. It
made no sense, yet it was the god-given truth. Why were
they so far from each other's hearts?
Her boyfriend looked over at her and said, "would you
like to get out of the rain?" She nodded her head and so
they walked to his truck were they soaked the bench seats
and shivered together in the lack of a heater. He thought
that she may have been crying. This made him feel bad,
although pity had never been his forte. Something strange
moved inside him when she sighed and said maybe he was
right that they should break up. But he stilled it. From
what he could tell there was not reason to listen to this
ugly feeling that he didn't understand. All he knew was
that her and him should be over now because things just
weren't the same as they had once felt. That's how
relationships worked, he figured. There was this awful
thing that rose up inside of him now, like a horse rearing
against it's rider. Part of him didn't want to continue
this, oh no, part of him wanted to wrap his arms around
this girl. To cuddle her and hold her until she wouldn't
shiver anymore. In truth, there had always been a part of
him that felt that way, a part that was seperate form the
raging horse part of him now. That part was gentle and
mild, but it never really came out. Maybe once or
twice...the first time he kissed her, when he first
said, "I love you". Those sort of mushy times when he felt
embrassed to be alive were all the product of that other
feeling. Then...there was the other side, the indifferent
side. This was the side that (beyond his realization) was
causing his part of this mess. This side reminded him that
a girl is not everything and besides, what were the
chances they would last anyways? Not too good. So what's
the point, right? It was actually way more convienent to
have it over and he frankly couldn't wait until it was.
The sooner the better,and he even felt like this evening
was dragging on quite a bit. He suggested they both sleep
on it, she refused. Well, she didn't outright refuse, but
refused in the way a girl refuses which involves
continuing the conversation about it. This was
definately starting to get on his nerves...
"But I really don't understand what it is that I'm doing
wrong! I've taken all your insults, all your jokes,
everything you could throw at me, and taken them in stride
everytime. I've tried to be here for you and listen to
what you've had to say. I've tried to hold myself up
and be confident, not just for you but for me. And I've
worked on and improved upon everything that you felt has
hurt our relationship. And now you want to tell me that
I'm not good enough?! That's not enough for you...?"
"That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that
things are different. I'm saying that I see you as the
type of person that I just can't be involved with..."
"Hold on a second there! I can take you telling me that
you couldn't see us married, but I can hardly stand you
saying that after all this time we also can't really be
together. After all this time you're going to tell me that
what we had wsn't real, wasn't solid. You were always
ready to leave, waiting to see if I was totally right or
not. No one is perfect...and if you hold out for that
you're gonna be alone the rest of your life."
"That's not really what we're talking about here. We're
talking about you and I and how compatible we are. And I
say we aren't that compatible. All it takes is one person
to decide."
"Oh well, I gave up on you anyways."
"Oh, thanks...let me guess. This is because I am such a
horrible person, right?"
"No, it's because you've never cared. I've spent so much
time trying to show you that I care. All I've done is
tried to help you understand how much you mean to me and
how important it is to share that with other people. All
I've done is understand and help and cherish, and
work to make things the best that they could be. And what
have you done? Nothing. Expected me to keep trying, and
never showed a bit of caring back to me. It hurts, to know
that someone so important to you won't try even to help
you feel better about your relationship. I've never felt
like you cared. Hell, I couldn't tell you the difference
between when you were happy and when you weren't. You
never showed me any love..."
He felt a few lone tears welling up in his eyes and he
knew that she was right about that. He knew. The fact was
that it really wasn't that important to him most of the
time. He supposed that that meant that he had never really
cared about her. Maybe he didn't love her like he thought
he did. So...why had he been telling her that? Was it
because e felt like he should? Like he was obligated? He
didn't know, he was confused. There were so many thoughts
in his head right now that were all conflicting each other
and he had no way to decide which path to take. What the
hell was wrong with him? Why was he giving it so much
thought in the first place? Of course, it was true he
wanted to hold her right now. Of course he wanted to
comfort her...did that mean he loved her? Well, he was in
a relationship with her. No, no. He couldn not be letting
himself get like this. He straighten himself up. The
problem was that he was giving this far more thought than
it deserved. And of course she wanted him to do that, that
was her way of thinking. Well, he decided, he could chose
to go her way and adopt it as the right way to think, or
he could stick with what always worked for him in the
past. Yes, in the past before her and her attempts to
change him. It was ridiculous and he was glad that he had
seen the light. He wanted to be with her, but not at this
price.
Her heart dropped to the floor of the rusty truck. His
blank stare and newly adopted deadpan tone of voice told
her that they were over. She realized he had probably made
up his mind. It hurt bad inside of her, but then it
occured to her that she shouldn't let him see it. She
could be strong on her own...without him. Though she did
want to be with him. Very badly. But by now she figured
that she'd just look desperate and begging. And that's not
what she wanted. She of all people didn't beg. So she
would just have to chin up and keep in mind that she was
just as capible of being independent as he was. She would
never sink to the level he wanted her at...never change
herself to be what he wanted so badly. She would continue
walking the path that had worked out for her in the past,
regardless of him. She wanted to be with him, but not at
this price. She asked him to take her home.
As the beautiful girl got out of the worn truck two
possible paths immerged in front of her and her soon to be
ex-lover, because he wanted to say something, she wanted
to say something. To stop one another, grabs the other
person's arm and stop them. To just put everything on
hold. Why? Well, why do people do anything? Because they
want it desperately, and they both wanted this
desperately. She stopped in the doorway of the truck and
then jumped back in the truck and wrapped her soaking arms
around his neck.
"I love you so much," she cried, breaking away from him
and reaching for his hands,"please, let's talk about this
before we do anything we'll both regret."
He looked at her face, eyes empty. By now, her had made
up his mind. He had to end this or else he'd lose respect
for himself,"I don't see why we'd talk," he started,
instantly freezing her heart,"my descision is still the
same."
She sighed and let go of his hands, wilting right in
front of him. She slunk out of the truck and onto the
glisting asphalt. He slumped over at the wheel and waited
for her to be gone. It was hard...so very hard. But after
a moment of watching him, she slammed his door viciously
and walked off to her home. He looked up in time to see
her turn and look at him one last time before being
swallowed up into her home. A riot of tears assaulted his
vision before he could start his truck and drive away to a
new life, whitout her. The path was chosen...




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