2003-08-05 12:27:46 (UTC)

indentation of pain

ive had this pain alllll my life. not an inch of recovery
besides repression of memories. and now im addicted to
cuetips. my ears are excrutiatingly itchy. i stuck the
cuetip in too deep in my right ear now and now its all
muffled. happened twice with my left. lots of leakage too,
drips down my ear. anyway, im becoming accustomed to the
pain. its almost like i wouldn't know what to do with
sanity. but its still painful. everyday its another
hurtful day, and every week i go thru at least one panic
attack that deals with people, consciousness, or religion
or whatever. right now im having a bit of an attack,
mostly about the future of my depression and life. bleak.
painful. i feel like screaming and sewing my lips together
at the same time. i fantasize about suicide and self
mutilation, but i never get the physical impulse to do so.
i think i have subconscious dyslexia. its not like i
confuse left and right, i confuse happiness and sadness.
my brain submits to pain whenever it gets the chance.
there could be something inside me, or i could just be
paranoid. i need something to fill this hole in me. my
heart rapidly accelerates its beating when my memories
haunt me. i can feel my chest vibrate when i fail to
repress them. it could be insomnia, schizophrenia, some
other disorder yet to be recognized, or it could just be
some of the fuckin music i listen to. either way, i feel
like shit, i dont know what to do, im still reserved as
fuck to talk about this to people i know, and i can't even
draw pictures now. ive lost the will to do anything. its
all so empty. and i cant crawl out of this hole ive
created. if there's a cure out there, if there's some
light, if there's a way to solve the mystery of light and
see what the purpose of it all is and discover what is
truly right and beautiful and holy and true in this world,
i want to see it. i want to experience what life is. up
til now, i simply haven't.