OrganizedConfusion

Conversation Peace
2003-08-05 05:56:17 (UTC)

I'm poor and anorexic.. Hear my story

Dear Journal,
Well blah. I think I am going to create a dramatic
entry. I apologize for lack of update. I've had to sleep on
the couch. That results in no computer when I have time to
write in here without being observed by the rents and other
various species. So a lot has happened. I don't know where
to start. Ozzfest was cool. I don't feel like getting into
ozzfest though. I hope next year appears a better show, so
I will go, and make it all in all a more happening concert
experience. It was fun, it just wasn't as groovy as last
year with system of a down. Haha groovy baby YEAH!
Anyway what is new in Allison land? Not a whole lot. A
lot that I COULD say but I am lazy right now. Like how my
mom walked in on some bad situations with me and my man
slave. Haha. No we weren't doing the nasty but, it still
wasn't good. Especially after being cought two nights in a
row in bad situations. She doesn't care really though. She
thinks it is funny. ANYWAY in more depressing news my dad
is very very very stupid but something makes me feel bad
for him. I just now had this weird feeling that like my
mental capacity was higher then my fathers. Seriously not
to be rude or mean or anything. It was just an honest
feeling because my dad is really smart but like, he just
does some really dumb things for a smart person. I've done
dumb things too but he is 51 and I am 16. He went fishing
by himself today. It made me kind of sad that he had to go
by himself. Well he had a lot of money on him and he had it
in a dumb place and it all fell in the river and went bye
bye. There isn't much I can say. It was a mistake but, it
just makes me think of how he wasted all that money at the
bar and then he did that. How do you drop all that money in
a fucking river?? This just makes me want to save my money
like all hell. Chris is being a moron and pissing me off. I
know he doesn't mean to but it is like I make a comment and
he is like "NOT FUNNY" and it is like. I don't know it
makes me angry because I am in a bad mood. It just occurred
to me that my sister is like "He spent my college money"
blah blah blah. Yeah okay this is a big fucking trip on
her. Yeah. Well I get to suffer through this shit while she
is in college trying to get by so we can send her off and I
am being told that my college is pretty set to specific
guidlines because we can't AFFORD for me to go away right
away. We can't AFFORD anything while Melissa is in college.
However we could afford things while she was a fucking
junior in high school. I realise now how out of the
question buying a car on my own will be unless I want to
sit at home on my ass for the next three years on my time
off and wear the same clothes I have now for that length of
time too. OH and never eat another bite of fast food. I
told my mom I couldn't afford to buy all of my clothes for
school if I needed more and she told me that she just
bought me some stuff and she acted like she couldn't help
me out and buy me anymore. OOOOOOkay.
Wow I'd say I just drifted off into fairytale land
with chris..

Yorkie250 [8:18 PM]: and two years down the road from
now when I am wearing clothes from three years ago and
scraping old chicken off the road because we are homeless I
am going to remember that you love me and track you down to
get money off of you
NOBRAIN138 [8:19 PM]: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
NOBRAIN138 [8:19 PM]: and ill give it too you if i have
it
Yorkie250 [8:19 PM]: LOL
Yorkie250 [8:19 PM]: SSUURREE
NOBRAIN138 [8:19 PM]: you're one of the only people
other than my family that i would give money too
Yorkie250 [8:19 PM]: I need my paycheck
Yorkie250 [8:20 PM]: My next paycheck.. for last week
will be like over $100 because I worked 27 hours
NOBRAIN138 [8:20 PM]: i need to get rid of this rash on
my pen...
NOBRAIN138 [8:20 PM]: uhh
NOBRAIN138 [8:20 PM]: what?
Yorkie250 [8:20 PM]: not much over $100 but over $100
Yorkie250 [8:20 PM]: eeww
Yorkie250 [8:21 PM]: man I am like bound and determined
to do good in school so I can like make tons of money when
I get outta school and never have to worry about not having
any money
Yorkie250 [8:22 PM]: then I can get liposuction and a
boob job
NOBRAIN138 [8:22 PM]: aww
NOBRAIN138 [8:22 PM]: you dont need EITHER
Yorkie250 [8:22 PM]: LOL
NOBRAIN138 [8:22 PM]: you are PERFECT
Yorkie250 [8:22 PM]: I need a boob job
Yorkie250 [8:22 PM]: lol
NOBRAIN138 [8:23 PM]: no
NOBRAIN138 [8:23 PM]: you
NOBRAIN138 [8:23 PM]: DONT
Yorkie250 [8:23 PM]: and I need to dye my hair
Yorkie250 [8:23 PM]: and I need colored contacts
Yorkie250 [8:23 PM]: aaaaand
NOBRAIN138 [8:23 PM]: if you need that
Yorkie250 [8:23 PM]: I need a tanning bed
NOBRAIN138 [8:23 PM]: then i am ugly
Yorkie250 [8:23 PM]: I need some nicer clothes and some
more make-up
Yorkie250 [8:23 PM]: and a pony
Yorkie250 [8:24 PM]: with wings
Yorkie250 [8:24 PM]: and a parrot that rides on it's
rainbow colored maine
Yorkie250 [8:24 PM]: that speaks every language
fluently
Yorkie250 [8:25 PM]: even dog
NOBRAIN138 [8:25 PM]: im ugly then

LOL poor chrissy.. I am acting all tarded on him.. I
gained weight. I wonder how this is going to play out for a
while.. I am not handling it too well actually. I got two
huge bruises on my legs when I started working and that
just made me think about how ugly my legs are and now I
gained weight and my stomach got bigger. My mom like
accused me of being anorexic.. Or trying to be. How do I go
anorexic and gain 5 pounds in the same week. I wasn't going
anorexic. I was fucking sick. So today I ate in front of
her and she was all "WOW I haven't seen you eat in a
while". I snapped back that she just hadn't SEEN me eat in
a while, it didn't mean that I hadn't eaten. I wish I could
just say that I hate how I look and then fight a silent
battle with it because if I say or show anything negative
about myself I get fucking reverse side effects. People
that think I am so much better then them tell me that I
made them feel like shit because if I am me and they are
them that they are shittier then shit if I say I am just
plain shit. Or I get accused of being a fucking anorexic
because I didn't eat a cow and a half one day like usual, I
only ate a cow. I eat too much as it is so what is the big
deal. I never ate at noon before so now all of a sudden
when I don't eat at noon I get yelled at. SERIOUSLY. I
always ate when I got home from things. I get angry when I
am forced to eat when I am not hungry, so guess what has
been happening. Everyday I am bitched at untill I eat, and
usually it is a lot more then normal. I have to eat a full
can of spaghettios. A doughnut is not good enough. BOTH OF
THEM ARE CRAP so what is the difference.. A doughnut is
enough food to function on until I get home so why make me
eat twice as much as I need? I work a 4 hour shift today
and I am bitched at to eat before I leave. My thought is
had I been going to school I would have gone twice as long
without any food and that was perfectly alright before. I
don't care about eating when I am hungry I eat. I get MAD
when people make me eat when I am not hungry and I get MAD
when people accuse me of starving myself just because I
don't eat something when someone offers it to me. You don't
always want food. So now I bet no one will belive me when I
say I gained five pounds and no one will let me attempt to
lose it because a diet would be "annorexic". A "diet"
meaning not eating half as much shit (as in junk food) as I
always do would be unhealthy. This is what actually drives
me to to point of mental breakdowns and insanity and
feeling the actual urge to fucking starve myself. When
people don't give a fuck for a long time and then suddenly
everyone piles on top of sweeping me up in all these words
accusing me of having problems or this and that and it is
like raa.. Fuck.. Whatever..




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