2003-08-04 04:39:52 (UTC)

some things you lose..

and some things you just give away...

this song and "if winter ends" are my two current

i swear that i would follow anything
just get me out of here
you get six months to adapt and you get two more to leave
and in the event that you do adapt
we still might not want you around

and i fell for the promise
of a life with a purpose
but i know that that's impossible now

so i drank to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
cus i just cant think anymore about that
or about her- tonight

and i give myself 3 days to feel better
or else i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
cus if cant learn to make myself feel better
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit?

i swear that im dying, slowly but its happening..

yeah. i feel weird right now. i hate this fucking guys
voice. but the lyrics are too perfect so its on repeat. i
dont even know whats going on with me right now. we had
the worst fight we've had in probably like a year last
night, with the screaming and the hitting and just the same
exact fight and i said im not HAVING this same exact fight
anymore but we do and we scream and we sit in silence and
then we repeat the same words we've said a thousand times
to one another and neither of us feels better and then i
cry and then we sit and then we drink some coffee and then
we have sex and wait for the next explosion that will
always come because we just cannot seem to get past these
certain things. and while i think its ridiculous i
understand. because it happens to me too. i'll be laying
in bed, i'll be reading, watching friends, playing a game,
taking a shower, and suddenly i think about them together
and i swear i can FEEL the exact feeling i felt that night
when i was sitting there on the floor with the phone in my
hand and its like it was yesterday not a year and a half
ago but it doesnt go away it doesnt even fade and i
understand and i understand that hes different from me and
to him it was a huge deal what i did but its not about
forgetting anymore, its about realizing that we cant forget
and forgiving. and i forgave him. i am smart enough to
know that as miserable as i am with these memories i'm a
million times more miserable without him and so i do what i
can to not think of it and i try to remember to not hold it
against him. and yes when we fight i bring it up just like
he does and i have the same problem and i dont know what to
do about it we cant change the past and we cant make these
people we run into just disappear but why cant we focus on
how incredible we are together and the fact that it is in
the past and the worst is over? in any case, today was our
day, 4 years and we had a nice evening together and im
sleepy and weird right now but it was still nice.

im a little pissed off right now because im dense. this
kid from my training class asked for my screen name the
other day when we were online and so he was talking to me
and i looked at his online diary and he was talking about
the girl in class he talks to and how SHES GAY UGGHHH.
shes really cute and charismatic and i totally didnt get
that!! and as soon as i read it i was like of course!! but
now im not going back so UGH. whatever. i really have had
this problem lately. where im like checking out every girl
i see it seems like. i really want to meet a girl. lol its
awful. im trying so hard to fix things with us but.
yknow. it would just be nice. i dont know whats wrong
with me. im going to bed.