Self harming dyke
2003-08-03 19:19:06 (UTC)

Feeling low...

I have been trying so hard to get a grip so that PGCE will
be possible... but I am having a nightmare at the moment.

I have told you before about the internet group I am on.
Well, there is a total psycho on the group who is paranoid
schizophrenic. I could cope with that, except she has been
really nasty the past few months. At first she picked on
the weaker group members and undermined them. They were not
strong enough to retaliate but usually texted or emailed me
to say how shitty they were feeling. I started to take it
on myself to stick up for them. At first I tried to make
her see sense through being nice but altering her
perceptions and integrating her and this worked for a bit.
But then she got more and more paranoid and then she
started on me. I am strong enough to answer back for myself
and i told her what I thought. She didn't like this at all
and became agressive. I could cope with this while I was
strong and I know she is sick. We all tried really hard to
make her behave (she was even made group co-moderator to
try to make her feel part of things and take away her need
to demoralise), but she wouldn't change.

Anyway, I am weak these days. I am easily hurt. Even though
i have continuous support from the other members in
private, they are reluctant to say anything on the group
because S is prone to throwing her toys out of the pram if
she is criticised and the others are scared of her and her
barbed comments. I feel so upset when i read her nasty
comments. Any attempt I make to protect myself results in
more agression. It is so very painful. I would never tell
her, but she has driven me back to regular self injury. I
cannot leave the group because I have been there for ages
and I know and love the rest of them so well. We cannot
kick her out because she is seriously ill and is probably a
suicide risk. The moderators have tried to take her
moderator status away, but she just becomes so unpleasant
and makes our lives a misery, so they have left it there
for the time being.

Anyway, it is really getting to me. I cut to release the
tension. I cannot say anything to her anymore because I
don't want to hurt the others... so I bite my tongue and
cut myself.

Not the best solution, but one that has always worked for

Sorry to go on, but I needed to write this down, get it
out. I am trying to resist cutting tonight... and
tomorrow... and for as long as I can. I hate that she can
do this to me.


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