2003-08-03 19:00:47 (UTC)


i watched the hours last night with iris... then sat on her
porch and talked for ahwile... one of the best lines in
that movie, is something about happiness being waking up in
the morning and feeling such a sense of possibility. claire
danes said, well mom all you are saying is that once, you
were young. and it made me think of this time i went to
breakfast with chris and his parents and his mom said
something similar that made an impression on me. she said
when you are young, there are so many possibilities. so
many things that can happen, ways life can go, and when you
are older, there doesnt seem to be nearly as many
possibilities... many of your decisions have already been
made... job... husband... kids... and she said its the
decisions you make... those big decisions... she said she
wished she had a tape of her life... before she lived it.
haha. but what she said really effected me. chris was
sitting next to me and i thought, oh god, my decision is to
stay with him. what am i doing? what am i doing to myself,
is this what i want my life to be like... and they say you
dont choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose
the way you want your life to be. if you stay with an
alcholic, someone who hates himself, you are deciding the
coarse of your own life. cutting away possibilities. i
think ive made the decision that i would rather be happy
and alone then with someone like that., i waiver
sometimes... that feeling of intimacy, of someone loving
you and never thinking you are crazy, you can say anything,
sometimes i think thats worth all the pain in the world.
but im ok by myself. i just need to start getting laid,
hahaha. i have a few guys in the wings that i can call and
theyll come right over... nice ones, funny ones, ... i dont
want that either tho. maybe just once and we'll see. but
anyway. right now i feel possibilities. i feel like
anything can happen. i feel like my life is this soupy
whirlind at the tips of my fingers. i dont know what will
happen. and i do understand, that this is happiness. right