lester

connected meanderings
2003-08-01 12:00:15 (UTC)

what's going on with me

first I was the center of my mother's attention for the
first three-four years of my life. Dad was then a
schoolteacher and thought Mother had been, she was now home
alone with me and having a great good time of being a
mother, from all accounts, and I was a bright precosious
little boy who crawled about his father's feet while Dad
corrected papers and learned to read by osmosis.

then things changed. My parents turned to the hard life of
farming that combined with dad's back operations (when I
was 5, 7 and 11) and arrival of two brothers (when I was
3.5 and 7), I was no more the center of attention as I had
been. I seem to work on trying to capture it again,
especially with women and especially in sexually-loaded
terms. How my body works, especially sexually, seems of
central importance.

Presently my therapist's being on vacation is stimulating
me to do more of the same (though different in view of some
awareness happening -- though since it's mostly
intellectual, I'm still acting on my impulses and desires.




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