Tranquil03

A simple thought...
2003-08-01 06:33:12 (UTC)

Breif update

.....still drunk .. right now .. just started going like a
machine by 1 AM....i dont' know though ....

i may be on the verge of alcoholism (although i doubt
it .. i'm just having fun and while my friends had the
luxury of building a tolerance over 3 years, i have
to "cram" in one summer) .. i enjoy the feelikng. No one
can really understand until they themselves have really
and truly understood the feeling you get when you
are...well ..d runk.

i know that i shouldn't, but . well .. to be blunt (ok
yes, alchol does bring out the truth .. you don' tlie when
ur drunk, just that you say things that you nomrally
wouldn't..and i am pretty gone right now) no one has
really made me believe that I am better than this. I
mean, its not their job .. but its like, I only have to
account for myself because no one else cares what I do.
So as long as I can convince myself, I don't see the
problem.

I'll probably re-read this later to get some really
insightful stuff as to how I truly feel.

I do feel so bad for getting into a fight with a friend.
I was drunking about an hour beforehand, but suprisingly,
I was amazingly clear-headed through out this -- for which
I am thankful to God for .. because the last thing I want
to do is subject somoene else for my own actions. I truly
love her. And it scares me .. "love" scares me .. She's
like the "big siter" (LOL) that I never had .. I love the
fact that she cared .. and I'm scared to death of losing
that .. and .. .. .. ok .. i have cried. Why? Because
I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Everything I do
with her seems to be wrong lately. If I speak my mind,
I'm wrong, immature, stupid. If I try to hold my tongue,
she can tell that i'm pissed or upset. I wasn't actually
ANGRY at her, just upset that she wasn't .. well .. i
kinda just realize that she may be reading this.

I can't open up fully right now .. I just .. I feel that
no one really cares enough FOR me to open up to. So I'll
just stop there ...

g'nite....




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