Montana bound
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2003-07-31 00:20:51 (UTC)

"The More I See You"

Well, that hurt. Andy and I are watching the last of
season 4 of M*A*S*H, only a few episodes to go. Anyway,
the one we just watched was called "The More I See You."
The basic plot is as follows:

The 4077th M*A*S*H receives two new nurses, and Hawkeye
recognizes one of them as a woman he was very close to in
Medical School. Specifically, the only woman he's ever
loved. When she realized that nothing would ever come
before his medicine, she left him. At first, they try to
work together professionally as doctor and nurse, personal
feelings aside. Eventually they realize the impossibility
of this, so they sit down and speak with each other in the
hopes of working something out. During their
conversation, Hawkeye reveals to her that, for years after
she left him, he hated her for betraying
him. "Eventually, I got over the hate. Then I saw you
again; and I realized I never got over the love."

I could cope with the pain from a distance. I can go on
with my life with no troubles, on the condition that she
doesn't enter my life's stage. There are certain things I
can do, different aspects in that episode of my life which
I can overcome, but I will never get over the love I have
felt for her; the love which is still within me.

Damn it, it's happening again. I'm convinced that I've
moved on in my life, as much as is possible in such a case
as this. I'm trying to convince others I know of the same
thing. Then something like this happens. Unfortunately,
those I'm trying to convince have never been through what
I experienced with her. I don't claim to be any kind of
expert in the field, however they don't realize that
sometimes this is the best a person can hope for. I'll
never be completely over her, I realize that and I've come
to terms with it. I can accept that as part of my life,
of who I am. I know that it's going to hurt every time I
see her, especially if in the company of another man. I
know that the wound left in my heart from this experience
will never fully heal. I also know that every time I see
her with a smile upon that angelic face, it will light up
my day as if I held the magnitude of the sun in my hand.
It may hurt to see her, but her happiness will in at least
some small degree spread to encompass me. The romantics
aren't lying when, asked what they want, they reply "I
just want you to be happy." I understand all of this, and
having that firmly set in my mind, I can move steadfastly
down my path, confidently facing the rest of my life. I
was hurt, and I'm sure I'll be hurt again. However, I
also experienced that great euphoria that came before the
fall. This, too, can happen more than once. I know I'll
find happiness again on down the road, and I believe, so
long as I just keep looking foward, I'll find it.

"Happiness cannot be found looking back."

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