Ad 0:
2003-07-27 09:55:57 (UTC)

Saturday, 6:30am

I'm not myself today

I'm single, alone, broke, beyond poor, constantly
discriminated against, constantly profiled, constantly
abused, constantly dealt prejudice, diseased and sick of living.

I don't know what I'm doing...
Tick tock
Tick tock
less than a year to go I guess

I don't live today
I don't live tomorrow

I don't know
I'm not myself today

Sorry Jade
I just feel overwhelmed by the growing consequences of that
decision I foolishly made in 1995. I haven't been the same
since - I haven't been happy since. The world seems to
punish me in more pronounced ways except when you are around
- I don't understand it, yet I don't understand it by
choice. I understand it, but it is so unbelievable that I
need one of two things - either strong reinforcement from
you that is/was mutual, or a way out. I need to forget
about you but part of me won't let that happen - part of me
feels the need to be the "spiritual hero master of fate
warrior" and hold on for a tomorrow where the scars I left
heal enough for you to give me a chance to do things right.
Another sceptical part of me says "forget her, you were
young and stupid then and thats just about the extent that
she feels about you - fuck off here, you are scaring her
talking all that psycho-babble about fate or
never-been-happy-since ra-ra-ra - shut up and get over it

Holding on has kept me strong in so many ways over the
years, helped me through so much by seeing myself in that
light of the "warrior of fate" - I don't know how I can
judge myself without it, but if I let go I need to find a
way I guess. Without you I feel like I'm no more than the
pathetic failure that remains of the incredible greatness I
felt as "us". My feelings convolute me so much. I wish I
could be everything you used to know I was - if only you
hadn't requested of yourself to forget.

The world's lately pushed me to the edge, and I don't see
why I should resist. I'm simply unable to love another no
matter how hard I try. I can mimic it. I can walk the
walk. I can say great things and admire.

I can't connect and it's killing me. No one else reaches me.

I think it is so subtle and over but it keeps coming up from
so many others. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I hate it
because it makes me feel so pre-destined. I've had total
strangers tell me "Jade is who you were supposed to... blah
blah blah" either directly or indirectly so many times that
I have had to make an effort not to have it brought up. I
can't even put up drawings or let someone see my photo album
without the same thing being devined.

How can I live without love? I wish it was a silly
question... If I can't, again, sorry