Sara Maine

Nowhere New York
2003-07-26 19:13:35 (UTC)

What my may flowers brought

What my may flowers brought, was a summer of renewal, of
healing and of hope. It has been a bright summer. Sunny,
fun, warm, happy. I have been nothing but grateful for it
too. I have lost weight, which was only to be expected since
I have stopped eating Campus shit. I didn't im my
ex-roomate, wondering if she would write me first. When she
didn't even to say hello, I felt bad but got over that too.
They called me the floor ghost, b/c I wasn't ever there. I
just couldn't stand being there when all they did was be so
loud I couldn't sleep, even when I tried I just grew sick,
b/c of lack of sleep. That time was the hardest, when I
couldn't sleep enough to be productive, I was more and more
depressed as a result. When Jesse moved into a sweet and got
his own room, I could sleep with him again. Thank god. I
didn't know if I could have lasted the rest of the semester
with someone who kept me up at all hours, and a floor that
never stopped yelling. I only hope that doesn't happen next
year. I liked them, my floormates, they were nice. I liked
my roomate too. She was fun, messy like me but fun. I knew
less about her, however, than I did people I worked with or
went to class with, which I thought odd. The only thing I
did know about her was her sleeping patterns, when she did
sleep- because this was the only time we ever were in the
same room for more than an hour. The room we lived in has
caused me to have a strong distaste for messes, and hate the
mess I live in now, caused by my large amount of crap I own
and literally no way to organize it. Now I have to think
once again about what I will take to college and be a little
smarter about it this time. I am looking forward to school
already. My summer so far has been great, and as excited as
I am about going back to school, I still have 4 weeks left
of summer and I am trying to slow myself down and enjoy
them. The first month, May, was be in my room sleeping or
being lazy. June, I spent with Jesse and Shay, camping,
swimming, and eating more marshmellows than I can remember.
July was just sun, and fun, and a lot of work, b/c in July
my hours went up to nearly 30 a week. July sped by. Now I am
looking at the end of July, and the next four weeks look
lazy. I hope they are. My only hope is to be able to
organize my stuff, myself, and my life enough to go to
college feeling well. I also hope to party and get enough
sun to last me all the winter.
Jesse, my very best friend in the whole world, as seen
me every day. I don't know how we did it, but we did. And I
am happy for that. All this summer I ate nearly nothing but
Granola, and that made me happy, as well as my tummy. School
food just makes me fat and very sick. I know I am going ot
have to watch what I eat next year, I know it only makes me
sick. Next year, Jesse has an appartment. That will be fun
to decorate! I have been "nesting" for years. My mother
moved out of my dad's house when I was 12. It became very
clear then that nothing would get done around the house
unless I did it, Emily knew the same. So we did. I began
buying things that would make the house look nicer. Emily
began cleaning and cleaning, knowing it would look the same
the next time she came over, messy always. Slowly things
began to pile up in places mom would never have let them.
Now our dining room table is covered with junk, our side
table, junk, our family room, junk and there is a large pile
of junk in the corner below the kitchen clock. I hate all
these piles and can't do anything about them. So after
making my dad's house look nicer, I realized that the house
looked like crap anyway, slowly all the things I bought
ended up in my room under my bed, for a house I would have,
someday. A set of plates, cups, dishes, blue print china
which I had collected over the years. Little things, stupid
things that no other girl my age had, or wanted, but I
thought were just great. Now I have a place to use them! If
jesse doesn't mind... too much. I have vowed to not live at
home next summer. Knowing it would cost me hundreds to live
away. I vowed to save up all year for that too. I vowed to
save my money, knowing that it would be harder than anything
I've done before, because I have a nasty spending issue. But
Damn it I will! Then... there came a car! Thank god a car, I
have a car and I can drive it too. If... If I pass my
drivers test... *cringing* and if... I can pay $300 a year
to aid with the insurance and If... neither Emily nor I get
into any kind of accident or get any kind of ticket.
Yikes... can I do that? I hope so.
Amanda Pryce and I are new roomies. That will be great.
I am so happy to have a roomate that I know and can talk to
easily. Someone who I have known nearly all my life. Someone
who in 2nd grade had the coolest Barbie and in third grade
came to my house for my birthday party. Who cheerleaded with
me all through highschool. Who was captain with me, who
graduated with me, who is now going to college with me. Who
I always knew and hope to know better and who can dress
better than anyone I know!I am going to be happy to see
Britney again too! I had gotten so used to her company
during school, I never thought about what it would be like
to not have someone like that to gab to. I am even excited
to see the new faces, to not be a freshie anymore and to see
the people I knew from highschool here, at MY school, that
isn't really MY school but always felt like it before. How
weird it will be to see Mike, Stacy, Amanda, and Sarah in MY
library studying for classes! I had nearly forgotten then
only a year before. I had almost even forgotten what they
looked like. How weird it is that you can forgot what people
look like that you once knew so well. People you saw every
day from kindergarten. I remember, how in late morning, the
sun would shine down Colton's upstairs hallway, and when you
turned to see who was coming down it, you could see nothing
but a black figure against the bright light. But you ALWAYS
knew who it was, by their figure, the way they walked, small
silly signals you never even knew you were picking up. You
KNEW these people that well. Then, in a matter or two
semesters you couldn't have brought their image up in your
mind if you had to, and couldn't remember what their voice
sounded like if it meant your life. Being around thousands
of people you don't know for a year does that to you. At
Potsdam, my now Sophmore class was nearly 1,000 students.
The school as a whole had around 4,000. 4,000!!! Those
numbers are nearly unthinkable to a small town girl like me!
A girl like ME who graduated in a class of 22! I was
surprised at how quickly I got used to living and working
with thousands of people. I was even more surprised at how
my natural instinct played, when I began to recognize those
I saw every day. I didn't know their names. How can I know
all these people and not their names? I knew them too, I
knew they went ot school with me, I saw them as our routines
brought us to the same places everyday. Literally hundreds
of faces that I was able to memorize and recognize. If I saw
these people in the P&C I would know that they went to
school with me. So my small town mind was capable of big
city life, or at least college life. I was more surprised at
how much I liked classes of 150-200 kids. I thought it would
have shocked me but instead I liked it more. The prof.
couldn't have POSSIBLE connect everyones name with their
face! They never ever would have remembered that Jane Doe
was the girl who left their class every day after attendence
was taken. It became a game for most people, who can leave
the quickest after attendence, with out making it a pattern?
Who can leave the most and still get the notes and pass?
Small town life agreed with me though, I realized after I
got home that I had missed seeing people ride around on 4
wheelers, to get where they wanted, although I laughed at
them the first few times. I had forgottent that the quickie
marts sold dumb cups and blankets with nascar heros on them,
that they sold every kind of beer you can think, and 6ft
long sticks of jerky. I had forgotten what it felt like to
have dirt and grass on my bare feet instead of grime and
pavement. I had forgotten what it felt like to look up at a
cieling of fur trees instead of the tall highrises of
Potsdam dorms. I had forgotten that the only sound I could
hear out of my window at night was frogs and crickets, not
drunks and music. My may flowers brought me home. My may
flowers brought me healing. It was a hard year. Deaths,
fights, and more than I could handle I think. My fight with
Shay took more out of me than anyone knew. Jesse was the
closest to knowing just how hard that was. And yet he still
didn't know. Not everything. Why did it hurt that much? Why
couldn't I just get over it? Was it because I felt
responsible for her and for what happened between us. Was it
because I had vowed that nothing would push her away from me
again, like David and Ellen had done when we were kids, but
I had let her push me away? I didn't know. When my
grandfather died and I met her for what felt like the first
time since we were babies, we were instantly best friends.
Sisters. We pretended to be sisters too, we weren't always
in best touch but there was something. Maybe something
like, my grandfather, holding us together. Maybe the
relationship he had with David was something he could never
fix, maybe the relationship I had with Shay was some way of
making it better, making it ok again for somebody. Maybe it
was because he knew that she was going to have one of the
hardest lives anyone has had, and that she needed someone,
maybe I was supposed to be that someone. Maybe when she
tried to kill herself the year before I in some way
blamed myself for almost letting her go, and I didn't
even know my grip was slipping. And maybe, just maybe that
was what I believed was true and it made being in a fight
with her harder than anyone had ever thought it would. No
one cared after a while that I was still hurting, they were
sick of hurting. So I tried to move on. It was hard, for
sure. It sucked the life out of me, Thank god, I mean it
thank you lord Jesse was there for me, I love him so much.
He understood when no one would or could.
So all in all it was a hard year but one to learn from.
SO much learning! Summer has been nice! Now that everyone is
healthy and happy again. I vow I won't let it get unhappy
next year! Somehow. So, how could my floor mates know that
all that was going on? Do you think I would have told them?
How could they know I was hurting and that being with Jesse
made it better? How could they know that even when things
were ok again they were so loud, so freaking loud and kept
me up that I was tired and sick of being there? They didn't
care. They were getting drunk and having fun and bringing
drunk guys home to puke when I was trying to get ready for
work. Ah... college life. So then I was "the floor ghost"
and that suited me fine. I would rather not be on the floor
where I was uncomfortable and tired and living in filth, and
live where I was happy, loved, clean and rested, knowing
they thought little of me and called me the floor ghost. My
may flowers brought me summer, my may flowers left behind a
year of growth. Ahh... and a new year is starting soon.




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