im in the middle of summer, and insomnia is hitting hard.
so is insanity. ive been feeling the most insane i ever
felt since my jr high days. ive been talking to myself a
lot. way too much. thats a cause of my insomnia: my brain
wont shut up. it just wants to discuss politics and
philosophy and i can't get my brain tired enough to sleep.
plus a shitload other symptoms of schizophrenia that im
too exhausted to discuss. exhaustion is popular for me
nowadays. i am very slothful. ive been sleeping in past 4.
im considering pills for insanity just a bit. its almost
like i dont give a shit about my life or world, so why not
just be a computer geek, make games, enjoy myself, and
forget about world affairs. ive been feeling hopeless and
helpless. its like i can't make a difference, no matter
what i do, we will slowly turn into a police state 1984
style. its inevitable. so i might as well just save
myself, i wont be able to save everyone. i just dont know,
and thoughts of revolution and change depresses me, for
some reason. all thought depresses me, i just want to
sleep. i dont to be part of this world, i want to be
alone. i just don't know, lots of confusion, i dont know
what i should want. and my computer fuckin hates me. i
should get a new one soon since ive reformatted it about 7
times and i still get the same problems. ill throw it out
of my window soon enough. maybe thats the cause of my
increasing schizophrenia. too much talking to myself. my
knees get wobbly sometimes. im not sure if thats a
physical issue. but im in pain. and i dont like it.
everything i do contributes to the pain. let me fall into
a coma. no, not a coma, but something along those lines. i
feel like shit, blah blah blah angst angst angst whine