All That I Am
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2003-07-24 07:00:01 (UTC)


I've missed two days of work now thanx to my piece of shit
car and now there's a good chance I won't be able to go in
tomorrow either. I put oil in the fucking thing and after
driving it about 3miles it starts smoking again. So, I
called Kent and he said that I shouldn't risk taking it to
work because I'll do more damage to it. So, I've been
chillin' at home again. I setup an appointment though
tomorrow to have the oil changed and then they'll run a
test on the car to see what's up. I'm going to drop the car
off at 7:30am, the mechanic doesn't come in until 8:30am
though to run the test and then the test will take about
2hrs. Oh, and the test is going to cost $79. I have been so
miserable these past two days because I'm terrified that
I'm going to be fired from my job because I'm still on my
trial period. So, I don't know, I mean there's nothing I
can do on this end. I couldn't get the car checked out
sooner because tomorrow is payday and I'm broke right now.
I couldn't ask Karen to take me to work because she has to
work. The bus isn't an option because they don't run that
early and they don't leave at 5:30pm to Steilacoom. I've
just been stressin' out! But that was all earlier today,
now I'm just tired and don't really care right now.

I talked to Nichole today for like an hour and she kinda
made me feel better and worse at the same time. On one end
she assured me that "if" I were to get into a bind up here
(i.e., lose my job) then I can come stay with her in
Alabama and between her and Scott, they'll get me a job in
no time (which I don't doubt). On the other end, her offer
turned out to be too tempting and I've been seriously
rethinking things and my situation up here. It's weird
because I've known Nichole for a little over a year now and
she feels like family. And I don't think I've ever been
more honest with anyone then I am with her....we're just
blunt with each other..which is honestly refreshing.
Considering that the other end of the friendship spectrum
was Rosie who I "secretly" despised for a number of reasons
and never told her because I wasn't comfortable really
being myself around her. I don't know Nichole's nice. She's
not arrogant and judgemental like so many other people I've
known and I can just be myself around her. Okay now I'm
ranting....anywho....I felt really lousy today because I
seriously considered packing up my shit and going down to
Birmingham, Alabama. Honestly, I still do. The only thing
going for Washington right now is the area (it's gorgeous
up here). I just don't have any real friends up here. I
have "friends in the making". I'm hitting it off with some
people at work but I'm getting impatient. I think I was
fine with everything but then when the fam damily left that
just kinda set off this past couple months of misery. I
really haven't been too happy up here and it's the first
time that I've been totally on my own without either family
or close friends. And honestly if I do get in deep shit at
work because of the whole car thing and I get fired then I
have noone else to turn to. There's Karen, but she's more
of an acquaintance than a friend and she's helping me
because of my mom....I don't know if it came to me not
being able to afford anything because I'm unemployed I
honestly wouldn't feel comfortable turning to her for
help....getting me oil is one thing, asking to stay with
her or help her pay my bills is another thing. This was my
fear when mum and rhys and amond left last month, that I
was going to feel this miserable and lonely. I guess I'm
just not used to this. So, I guess the question is why
don't I just throw my shit in the car and high tail it down
to Alabami? Well, I think that's what I'm fighting with
right now...I'm so sick and tired of moving around and I
haven't really given Washington that much of a chance and I
haven't really put myself out there and like I said before,
I'm am meeting a lot of cool people and we're not going to
become uber close in a couple weeks. So, it's a matter of
coping out I guess. I know I'm not going to Alabami but at
the same time I know that if I would go there, there's a
network of friends and a second family already waiting for
me because of Nichole. I've already met or talked to a lot
of her family and even though they are definitely different
from what I'm used to (southern people), they're
sweethearts. It's a shame too that her family knows I'm gay
and they're more open to me than my mum is....but then
again I'm not their son. Anywho, I think I lost track of
what I was originally talking about....oh yeah....I think
it's about ego and pride right now that I'm staying here
and not just pack up and go to Alabami. Which kinda sucks
because I'm hoping I will connect and meet some awesome
people because I know I can be having a lot more fun
elsewhere. I'm sure I'll look at this differently though
when I get some sleep because I've just been stressing from
a lot of things and my car breaking down and me missing out
on so many days of work is just too much right now and I'm
feeling really low. But no worries..everything has a way of
working out. Later.

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