2003-07-23 04:07:01 (UTC)

3 days

He comes home from France in three days.
And I still haven't made any decisions whatsoever about
what I am going to do or say when I talk to him. His friend
told me the other night that he likes me. He said something
like "he really enjoys your presence, your personality and
the ability to talk freely when he's around you" or
something along those lines. I was pretty happy to hear
that. When he told me that he liked me (even though I
already basically knew) I was pretty smiley. Sitting here,
just grinning at the computer like a moron.
So yeah, that was definitely a good sign in one way I
suppose, that I was pretty happy to hear he liked me. And
evn better was what he said about WHY he liked me. Nothing
about "oh he thinks you're hot" or something, this was
actual substantial kind of stuff about me... which is
something I thought might be beneficial about this
situation... seeing as though he is my friend already, he
does know me pretty well and wont be all put off by my
personality once he gets to know me.
But the other problems haven't gone away either. He is my
friend, and I still don't know if I want to compromise a
friendship with a good person to date them. I sorta like to
hold on to people like this because I really don't think I
have enough decent people in my life sometimes.
And, of course, there's the situation he's going to come
home to that he probably doesn't even realize has come
up... the fact that his best friend is now dating my best
friend. And I don't know if he would put it together ahead
of time that this doesn't really jive with me because of
the whole thing that went down with Dan... he wasn't around
then, but he knows some stuff about it. He'll find out
about it when he gets home I guess. Dustin has been really
pushing me towards "going for it" but that is probably
partially motivated by the fact that he's worried that
Steve is going to come home, find out what's gone down,
find out that because of that, I'm not all keen on starting
another big drama, and want to kill Dustin. I mean, Dustin
didn't know ahead of time that I felt like this. But my
friend did. She's just chosing to ignore it. Never mind the
fact that she's still hanging out with her ex, which leads
me to believe that there are lots of unresolved issues
there, making the relationship with Dustin basically a
rebound, and doomed to fail -- and probably sooner rather
than later. So I don't have a clue what I'm going to do.
And it's hard for me to figure out whether or not we even
have the chemistry to go out. I do like him, but I don't
know. I still see him a lot as a friend, and maybe that's
good? It could be a good thing. But I'm pretty worried that
it just wont be exciting like it would be if I just met
some random new person.... but the fact that this isn't a
random new person also takes a lot of the risk out of it
because at least I have a pretty good idea of what he's
Oh yeah, and there's the other thing. Another friend of
mine, through whom I met Steve, is pretty hung up on him
dating back to a crush she had on him four years ago when
they were close friends. She says that they dated, while
from the other side (not Steve, obviously, he's in Europe)
I hear a different story... where they didn't go out, she
just wanted things to be that way. So I don't know. We're
not real close friends, but we have been friends for a long
time... and I am deeply considering the fact that no matter
who I went out with, whether she knew the guy or not, she
would be jealous. She'll be upset about this definitely,
but it might not be that warranted. Given how long ago this
was, and the fact that other people have told me that they
did not go out no matter what she says.
So the next few days will probably be pretty stressful. I
don't want another huge mess. I'd rather not have another
messy, painful breakup either. So it would be really easy
to just say no it's too complicated... but then where does
that leave me? I've been single for over a year... guys
don't come along all the time and when they do, I find
something wrong with them. I can't just keep putting this
off forever... eventually I'm going to have to give in a
date someone and cross my fingers that they're not going to
crush me (again). So that's why this one might be a good
bet. I trust him enough to think that I probably wont get
crushed in this situation. But it will open up the gates of
hell on every other front. And of course, if it just
doesn't work, it doesn't click, where does that leave me?
I'm just down another decent friend. And I'm pretty short
on those.