Jai

Sex, drugs, rock and roll
2003-07-23 02:17:00 (UTC)

I need to vent


just really need to vent right now. Maybe writing will help
me sort my thoughts and get over this. its a last resort.


I am angry....at myself. more frustrated really. My
problem? I am fighting with myself not to be angry over
something because its totally stupid and not worth being
pissed over, but I can't get rid of this pissed off
feeling, and that pisses me off even more.

most things arent worth being pissed over...this is
definitely one of those things. It wasnt my fault, I had no
control over the situation, and I couldn't control the
outcome...but still i'm pissed off at myself.
I rarely get pissed off...but when i do it hits hard. and i
keep it all inside. noone else knows im pissed, or will
they find out, or will i make it obvious. I just get all
pissed, and I get that bad sinking feeling in my stomach,
and that want to go crawl up and die feeling.
Being pissed is so stupid though. It doesnt accomplish
anything and just makes you feel bad, which is why i dont
want to be pissed but i cant help it.

Actually i think jason kinda knows im pissed. as my being
angry is somewhat to do with him. I wouldn't be pissed at
myself for being pissed if he didnt piss me off in the
first place. He didnt mean to piss me off though, and what
he did wasnt so bad so really i have no reason to be angry
with him, which makes me feel even more stupid for being
pissed over nothing. He didnt do anything like hit me or
anything like the past times i got real pissed with him, he
just made an innocent comment totally not realising that to
me it wasnt an innocent comment. He didnt know better
though, so i cant blame him. So i blame myself. But them
afterwards when I let him know why that was a bad thing to
say he fucking lied about the meaning of what he said cuz
he realised it was really offensive to me. And it was the
stupidest fucking lie i have ever heard, and it pissed me
off he tried to cover up what he said, when clearly what he
meant was offensive.

wow. i actually feel alot better now. see if it lasts
though.




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