once again
2003-07-22 05:57:55 (UTC)

sugar and spice...but am I nice?

Well Ayorious I must say that sometimes you leave me simple
letters yet when I read them they mean so much to me. I
see all the meaning you put behind them and I am in awe
over the fact that such simple comparisons can show you
what life is all about.

I meet these people sometimes and I tell them that ya,
we'll get together. I'll stop by at this time and then
when it comes down to it, I don't. They think I'm going
to meet this really pretty girl and take her out and she's
going to call me back when she's done getting ready, yet I
don't. And I ignore all their calls and what not. I feel
so horrible about it, but at the time I am bored and then
when that times comes, I don't want to and I don't want to
let people down so I just slowly disappear. I don't
understand why I do it, I just do.

I had a wonderful weekend. Rene took me out several times,
but he wants sex and I know it. I provoked it..the first
time we went out by letting things go too far. Now he
thinks that that is what I want. But I don't, I was drunk
and I shouldn't have done what I did. He's only 19. I'm
almost 4 years older then him. BUt everytime I look at him
I'm in awe over his beauty. He's awesome to hang out with
and if we keep this seeing thing going on, I'm really going
to start liking him.

I'm cutting myself off from Shawn. I don't want to hear
from him and I don't want to hear about him. He just
depresses me and that's the last thing I need right now, or
ever in that fact. I'm threw with the torment and
humiliation I get. I let myself down everytime we talk or
mention his name. I don't want that. I want to be myself
again like I was when I was younger. THings were good then
and ever since I met him I have fallen farther and farther
from who I am. I want to be back again. I really want to
be home and not just in this place not knowing myself. I
have alot of self discovery to do and I'm trying to get
started on it.