This is the beloved air I breathe
2003-07-22 02:09:41 (UTC)

so, what is a masterpiece, anyways?

I was doing some thinking today. God and I had a little
conversation, and I realized that the reason I've been
avoiding the whole "religion" thing is because I realized
that I just can't be what God wants me to be. I feel so
inadequate compared to what I know I should be. I mean,
here is God, the Holy Creator of the Universe, and here is
me. I do all these things I shouldn't do, and some things
that I should do, and I'm a mix of talent and awesome
qualities, with a lot of bad attitude, some bitchieness
and emotion and even a combination of bad and good
decisions all wrapped up into a ball composed of many
different colors of electrical tape. :)The thing is, I
know I can't be perfect. That intimidates me when i look
at the rest of the Christian community. Maybe that's what
bothers me too, cause I know that it can't be real, you
know? But the thing is, is that I was on the inside ring
of that community, and I know that even though it looks
like there is this facade of perfectness, everyone is
human, and even those people who look like arrogant
Christians know that too. I am a Christian, and I will
always stand up as one, but I'm different too...I'm not
sure how, but I'm .....well, maybe not so different after
all than everyone of you who would be reading this. I'm
searching. I'm striving to find the right balance in my
life and I'm realizing that no amount of searching on my
part is going to turn me up with the right answer. Know
why? Cause the whole time that I'm searching (and I still
AM searching) God is saying to me (sometimes in a peaceful
whisper and sometimes in a loud thunder) I'm here, I've
found you, and I love you. That's what kills me...even
when I'm such an arrogant jerk to God, he's still there.
Why? Because he chose to.

There is a storm coming tonight, and I went outside to
watch the lightning. There is a swamp in the back of my
grandmother's house, and I went back there to watch the
lightning over the lake, and I saw the sihlouette of the
trees outlined against the dark purple sky and the
lightining streaking through the clouds. In the midst of
this is saw hundreds of lighning bugs going crazy piercing
their foglight through the darkness. It was beautiful.
In that I see God. Who am I? I don't know, but I have to
remember that in the same way that I see the beauty in
God's creations, I am one of God's creations as well. I
so not see the beauty in myself sometimes, but God does.
He calls us his masterpiece.

Do you know the origin of that word "masterpiece"? In the
ancient cultures when artists used to apprentice under
their masters, they would spend years absorbing their
masters talent. They would start with their rhudimentary
sculptures and paintings, and as time progressed, they
would get to the point where they were ready to take on
their own style and start out on their own. To prove this
they would create something called a "Masterpiece" - they
would do what would be, to that point, their greatest
work - in order that they could prove to their master that
they were ready to do it on their own. They would harness
all their energy and all their talent into this one piece
that was supposed to show the world all the grandeaur of
their talent. One piece that would encompass all of their
talent. We are God's workmanship, his masterpiece. Only
with God, there is so much more to what he can do. He's
not a little God at all. "He's not a tame lion"
(Chronicles of Narnia)

I have trouble accepting this concept of being skillfully
crafted by God, but He reminds us of this in psalm 139.
The psalmist David writes in boldness before the Lord and
says "For you created my inmost being, you knit me
together in my mother's womb. I will praise you because I
am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your
works, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden
from you when I was made in teh secret place, when I was
skillfully wrought together in the depths of the earch.
your eyes saw my unformed body, and all of my days were
written in your book of life before one of them came to

I don't know who you are, but here's what I have to say to
you. God loves you. He knows that you can't live the way
that humans sometimes expect us to live and I don't think
that he expects us to. You don't have to take this
gigantic leap of faith all at once, but it comes in small
steps. As we gradually move closer to the heart of God,
our own Jaded hearts will start to trust Him. It's
scarey. Even I'm scared, but we don't have a choice. I
mean, You will know that God is calling to you, it's hard
to miss. Please join me in this journey. It's not going
to be easy, but as I've been discovering, it pays off.
Our hearts will always fail us. It's sometimes easier to
continue living the way that we do now, cause it's what we
know, but we must try. This is not me preaching to you,
cause I'm sitting right where you are too, but it is me
reaching out for a hand and asking you to walk side by
side with me into something that I know is better than
this medeocre life that we know now.